Most of us will have had nights or just other times of the day where you have come back and started this negative thought loop - thinking I am not good, why the fuck am I like this, why the fuck not like this, am I going to be single for life etc. Today I want to talk about this aspect and a bit about your thought processes.
So what general community will advice for this is some random feel-good garbage or other "inner-game" shit. I am not a big believer in any of that. I feel a lot of these come down to building positive reference experiences which you can look back on (consciously or subconsciously) and say, dude that is just not true. Looking into reference experiences are valuable for many reasons but total I want to talk about the emotional side of things. Let me give you an example first.
So as I have mentioned a few times on my blog, I have very well for myself professionally, academically and the like. I graduated near top of the class in what is considered one of the toughest engineering programs in the country, I used to work for a very "prestigious" job where was I consistently one of the best performers, I have received outstandingly favorable reviews in anything work related and the like. Point is, because I have so much positive reference experiences to back myself, I rarely question myself whether I am really good work-related or not. Even if I am having an off night, my mind might say yeah dude, you are probably not very suited for this particular thing or maybe that you are not yet ready to do this particular thing. It never ever asks me if I will be ever able to earn enough money to live a reasonable life, will I ever get a job if someone fires me from my present thing etc.
Similarly with women, while earlier I used to think all these things that maybe I am too ugly, maybe I am too short, maybe I will never get women, no one likes me yada yada yada, but now that I have built up quite a few reference experiences where I look back and say dude, plenty of women like me. Because of that, if my mind ever wants to go into this negative thought cycle, some part of me is just not able to take this seriously because well, simply too many really nice women have liked me. A part of me is willing to accept that I maybe a dud at following signals a woman sends out, or I am not aggressive enough, or I just may not frequently get super hot women, but these days it rarely happens that I tell myself that oh shit, no one likes me.
What you may also realize now is why a lot indiscriminate cold approaching is just horrible for your emotional state. A typical PUA newbie has this very problem that he has too much of negative reference experience built up in his head. If he goes out and randomly approaches women without having some game plan and have some reasonable expectations, he gets rejected a lot and whole thing just further adds to his fucked up mental state.
The solution is twofold. First, know what to look for, what are realistic expectations etc.. This is what is called as living in reality. If you think that after getting enough skillz you might seduce any woman, then you will never be happy. You will be chasing after something unreal and your reference experiences will never back that up leading to too many emotional swings. If you approach taller women and get shot down regularly, then well, you do not know what to look for. I think there are 2-3 things that are important to keep in mind here. Taller women are rarely interested, it is a number's game so statistically speaking most women are not interested in you, looks are very important thus getting women who are "out of league" will generally not happen, venues are important, having something in common with the women you are seeking is important, things may not go smoothly all the time etc.
Once you know what to look for, then next step is to actually put yourself in situations and just build that experience. This is where action is important. You won't build reference experiences sitting at home or reading some book. One point is that some people might say, you are too accepting of your situation, don't want to improve, don't encourage self-improvement and that with enough doing XYZ, you might do significantly better. My point is, isn't it better to have realistic expectations so you are content and then happy when you occasionally punch above your weight or is it better to only be content when you sporadically punch above your weight?
Once you have enough reference experience and the right metrics, you will just stop having these random emotional ups and downs. I haven't had those for a while now. You will just not be able to take your mind seriously when it might try to go into one of those self-destructive thought loops because you will be like, dude, that is just not true.
So what general community will advice for this is some random feel-good garbage or other "inner-game" shit. I am not a big believer in any of that. I feel a lot of these come down to building positive reference experiences which you can look back on (consciously or subconsciously) and say, dude that is just not true. Looking into reference experiences are valuable for many reasons but total I want to talk about the emotional side of things. Let me give you an example first.
So as I have mentioned a few times on my blog, I have very well for myself professionally, academically and the like. I graduated near top of the class in what is considered one of the toughest engineering programs in the country, I used to work for a very "prestigious" job where was I consistently one of the best performers, I have received outstandingly favorable reviews in anything work related and the like. Point is, because I have so much positive reference experiences to back myself, I rarely question myself whether I am really good work-related or not. Even if I am having an off night, my mind might say yeah dude, you are probably not very suited for this particular thing or maybe that you are not yet ready to do this particular thing. It never ever asks me if I will be ever able to earn enough money to live a reasonable life, will I ever get a job if someone fires me from my present thing etc.
Similarly with women, while earlier I used to think all these things that maybe I am too ugly, maybe I am too short, maybe I will never get women, no one likes me yada yada yada, but now that I have built up quite a few reference experiences where I look back and say dude, plenty of women like me. Because of that, if my mind ever wants to go into this negative thought cycle, some part of me is just not able to take this seriously because well, simply too many really nice women have liked me. A part of me is willing to accept that I maybe a dud at following signals a woman sends out, or I am not aggressive enough, or I just may not frequently get super hot women, but these days it rarely happens that I tell myself that oh shit, no one likes me.
What you may also realize now is why a lot indiscriminate cold approaching is just horrible for your emotional state. A typical PUA newbie has this very problem that he has too much of negative reference experience built up in his head. If he goes out and randomly approaches women without having some game plan and have some reasonable expectations, he gets rejected a lot and whole thing just further adds to his fucked up mental state.
The solution is twofold. First, know what to look for, what are realistic expectations etc.. This is what is called as living in reality. If you think that after getting enough skillz you might seduce any woman, then you will never be happy. You will be chasing after something unreal and your reference experiences will never back that up leading to too many emotional swings. If you approach taller women and get shot down regularly, then well, you do not know what to look for. I think there are 2-3 things that are important to keep in mind here. Taller women are rarely interested, it is a number's game so statistically speaking most women are not interested in you, looks are very important thus getting women who are "out of league" will generally not happen, venues are important, having something in common with the women you are seeking is important, things may not go smoothly all the time etc.
Once you know what to look for, then next step is to actually put yourself in situations and just build that experience. This is where action is important. You won't build reference experiences sitting at home or reading some book. One point is that some people might say, you are too accepting of your situation, don't want to improve, don't encourage self-improvement and that with enough doing XYZ, you might do significantly better. My point is, isn't it better to have realistic expectations so you are content and then happy when you occasionally punch above your weight or is it better to only be content when you sporadically punch above your weight?
Once you have enough reference experience and the right metrics, you will just stop having these random emotional ups and downs. I haven't had those for a while now. You will just not be able to take your mind seriously when it might try to go into one of those self-destructive thought loops because you will be like, dude, that is just not true.
This is why Aaron's discussion of cold vs. warm was so important.
ReplyDeleteThe most descructive thing the community does is that it takes a 25 year old virgin and tells him to INDISCRIMINATELY hit on everything in sight. He is also told he is not a "real man" if he uses criteria other than the size and shape of her butt or tits.
This leads to thousands of EXTREMELY harsh rejections for this kind of an inexperienced guy. He is told to "keep going, and keep doing it, because he'll eventually micro-calibrate and start getting good responses"... And this is true for some men, because they'll subconsciously start picking up which women to approach and which women not to approach. Most men are not so lucky however.
Most men practicing this strategy SNAP, lose it and start hating all women and vow to lifetime celibacy long before they reach that "tipping point" moment.
It's much better to do the EXACT reverse. The more inexperienced you are, the more you should focus on building up your confidence and self-esteem using positive reference points. And you do this by going for "low-hanging fruit" at first. Once YOU KNOW for a fact you can easily get an average girlfriend when she hits on you in yoga class or youth group conference...
You can then move onto practicing in harder and harder enviroments. When a "7" in the club rejects you, it doesn't build resentment, if you know you've had a string of 8s through your youth-group travels. You know it's not YOU.
p.s.
It's amazing how often you will have a 30 year old virgin who has spent the last 10 years trying to make cold approach work, but he has REFUSED to ask any of the hundreds of chicks who have hit on him in warmer climates in the meantime.
The best thing for these guys is "hey, go GET SOME dating experience under your belt FIRST. You're not less of a man if you ask out the cute chick who pinches your butt in yoga class"
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteChrist, Johnny! You are my first and only guru. No seducer has ever resonated so well with me as you have.
ReplyDeleteI never spent a dime on PU, and never swallowed any of the tricks and techniques save those few I found were sufficiently general or "me" to not offend my humongous integrity. I did let myself be pushed out of my shell and grow experience through fairly cold approaches, though.
But surprise surprise, the women I met were not receptive in any meaningful sense. They all sat or stood there showing signs of nervousness or outright fear, or at the very least did not contribute to the interaction. I had to keep things afloat, and this for girls I wasn't even into to begin with. And it has given me mood swings apently, and some degree of hate for women in general.
On the forums where I got my info, only the most natural and relaxed gamers would bother with me, but even they could not believe I saw no results. No wonder, since it seemed they got theirs from much warmer environments than me, all the while preacing in generalities about women.
It wasn't until I stumbled upon your blog that I got any sort of "PUA" acknowledgement of the importance of context to an approach; where, when, and who. An acknoledgement of what I know both from personal experience and my social scientific training, that the social world is very very complex, and cannot possibly be approached the same way no matter its current context.
Especially Sleazy's stuff about warm and cold approaches has been helpful to me, as well as some acknowledgement of the common sense that fundamentals matter, and that you are limited not just by your game. Something I still beieved in even if I refused to use most of it.
Reading your blog relieved me of a burden that has weighed down on my shoulders, making me angry and almost addicted to the high of the cold approach, with its eternal low of female nonresponsiveness. I feel free, and today I am actually going to town to eat spring rolls rather than meet women. If I happen to talk to one before I leave, how nice. If not, no big deal. Ahhhh...
Glad you like it man! I too had a major problem that I could almost never resonate with the experiences that most other people wrote about for whatever reason.
ReplyDeleteAt this stage I think context is quite possibly one of most important thing, if not the most important things in seduction. The other most important thing is learning to recognize interested or not interested women.
A woman, who is either not interested in general, or not interested in you, or is just not comfortable with strangers - these are the majority women at any average venue. You can try whatever you want with them but nothing is ever going to happen.
Talking to these women constantly is what leads to massive mood swings, emotional highs and lows and what not
I am 30 year old complete virgin(no kissing,no hugging, and no sex).The problem is that is have POIS, a rare disease in which you feel very ill after ejaculation. This and other medical issues make me feel unworthy and less of a man. It's been a year since finding PUA and Personal development stuff online but i made no progress in my life. I have no idea how to start changing myself, my health seriously limit my ability to go out and experiment.
ReplyDeleteI also tried therapy but it solved nothing as i can't change my thought state and it can not change my physical disabilities. Please answer, thanks.
You should probably consult a medical practitioner for your situation. I feel the best thing is to first focus on your health, career and making friends. That should make you happier. The more time you have on your hands, the more you will worry about this stuff
DeleteThanks for sharing this blog its very informative and useful for use.
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