Saturday, 5 May 2012

Who defines your self-esteem?

I want to talk about self-esteem today and how PUA community gives totally fucked up ideas on this one. Lets start with the example of Dj Fuji. He frequently in his talks says how at 20 something, he was in the Marines, was earning tons of money, in very good physical condition, was a home-owner blah blah blah but he felt like shit, because he couldn't get chicks. This story may not be as dramatically put by other scam artists, err, pick up artists, but it is similar.

It's basically that everything which I or anyone has done in life is bullshit, if you are not able to bang hot 18-22 year old women. I remember reading Roosh sometime and he had a post where he was making fun of some doctor dude who since he was unable to bang hot pussy on a regular basis, Roosh thought he was stupid. There are other dudes who since they are now able to bang 20 year olds, suddenly feel top of the world.

My point is, defining your self-esteem on what some 18-20 year old women think about you, is so beyond stupid that it is not even funny. Let me share with you some comments which some 18-20 year old women have made. One girl asked me why I went to the best engineering school of my country when it is so boring there and that I should have gone to some other XYZPartySchool instead. Another 21 year old girl was telling me about some "absolutely essential" qualities a guy must have before she would date him - 6" feet tall (she is 5'3"), good looking, fairly rich, well traveled, independent thinker, from a ivy-league type college, should not be possessive etc. You get the drift. I can go on and on and on about these examples. (I happen to have a few female cousins in the age bracket 18-21, so I meet a lot of them and their friends)

Barring like 0.1% of them, most of them are so beyond immature that seriously thinking about what they say or decide to do is completely stupid. Now imagine the typical PUA who bases his self-esteem on how many club chicks or other teenage hotties he is able to fuck. In light of my arguments above, how intelligent does this idea sound to you? If I were to do this, then all the things I have achieved in life (And I do think I have achieved a fair bit in life by any metric) is all nothing compared to some struggling bar tender who has banged a 100 chicks?

Now think about your average PUA. He goes around clubs and bars, getting rejected by random women. He focuses on self-improvement so that he can bang chicks. He learns how to tell stories properly. He learn how to do "role-plays", he learns "NLP" and not sure what other fucked up shit he does. He goes through emotional ups and downs. He glamorizes the "journey" to an unimaginable degree saying it is rewarding beyond belief. Spend tens of hours every week over many months and years, all for what!? So that he can get validated by some teenage or near teenage girls? Is that really what you want to work for - the validation of teenage girls?

There are other super stupid statements which people make - "if you don't fuck chicks then your genes will not be passed on" (something to this effect. I think this was made by Mystery). Point is man, there is a lot more to life than fucking teenage girls. I hope to god that you don't let your mood, life, self-esteem, conversational ability etc. be defined by what they think of you. 


  1. Heartiste makes no bones about the fact that what women think of a man is how we should judge him - he has elevated that into a very clearly stated principle.

    Roosh has explicitly said this too. Many men agree with this.

    It's not something they can really be argued out of (I've tried). Values are just something people feel.

    I used to think it was all a mistake and I only had to point out to these people what they were doing and they would think differently. To my astonishment I found that they would tenaciously defend the idea that what 18yo girls think of you should be how you think of yourself.

    I eventually realized that values are just things you feel and have intuitions about and cannot really argue. Some people feel war is bad, even in self-defense. Others don't.

    To you it seems incredibly absurd that what an 18yo girl thinks of you should be how you judge yourself. To some guys, an 18yo girl is the voice of "evolutionary fitness", and her judgement is the judgement of the evolutionary process itself. This is how they justify it, but at the end of the day it is just a personal feeling of needing the approval of someone else.

    I used to think that if I pointed out to guys that game is a form of seeking the approval of women and very far from masculine independence, they would quite game, but instead they would argue passionately for the idea that there is nothing wrong with trying very hard to win the approval of women and doing everything in your power to please women.

    Some people see no problem with being a sort of slave or servant to women. Some do.

    You can't really bridge the gulf with argument.

    1. Valid point. In the end, I guess you can't argue with the phrase to each his own.

      There is just one point I want to make though and it is that as is the case with almost everything PUA, these are theories without anyone having any real world experience. If people actually went out and spoke from real world experience, I can say that okay, that guy too has a valid point. (As a side note, Heartiste is a pure keyboard jockey)

      The reason I say this is because I know quite a few teenage girls and near teenage girls (as I said above, I have cousins and other friends in this age bracket through my hobbies) so I do know what I am talking about.

      If someone got to know them too, they would realize anything which they might feel and say, has got nothing to do with anything. They are not the voice of anything, much less "evolutionary fitness". Everyone praising 18yo girls, I am willing to bet they've never ever known a hot looking teenage girl ever.

    2. Definitely agree that basing your approval on what women think of you is anything BUT masculine. I'll also add that it extends to the general issue of where you are in the social pecking order. The ultimate manliness is not having a woman under your arm every night - or even one woman at all. It is that you are doing something productive with your time and that something will add something useful and valuable to both your own life and other people's lives in a substantive (not superficial) way.

      From this, it necessarily means that if a "real man" is anything, then he's able to be happy without a social life, especially if you divert energies otherwise spent on superficial socializing to your work, your hobbies, and societally enriching or redeeming activities.

      Mark Twain said of India's poor "We in the wealthy West tend to think of Indian's as intolerably destitute. But in matters of the spirit, it is we Westerners who are the paupers and they who are the millionaires".

    3. Personally I don't agree with this whole concept of "manliness" or what a "real man" is or is not in the first place. I feel it's a stupid concept. I similarly don't like any concepts like alpha male, beta male and the like.

      End of the day, if you feel happy doing whatever the hell it is that you do, nothing else matters. I have a friend who at the age of 27, makes roughly $500k a year working at a hedge fund, has zero to no social life, smokes pot practically every day, fucks hookers like 2-3 times a week and does nothing else in life. I was talking to him a few days back and he seemed perfectly content in life, and most things which people do seem stupid to him.

  2. The thing is, the actual stuff required to get laid and get into romantic relationships is ridiculously easy and stupid, once you admit that, whether or not you can influence a girl who doesn't like you to change her mind, it's a waste of time and energy, and you are better off just sticking with people who like you.

    Game is a self-hatred perpetuation ideology: everything you are by default is wrong and you need to adopt an entirely new way of being. It's destructive and pointless. Whatever you say, they will find a way to demonstrate that you are not worthy as a person, because deep down, that's how they feel, which makes all this nonsense so crucial for them: they need to feel imagined grandiosity to make up for the self-hatred which leads them to live lonely (have you noticed that most if not all PUAs and coaches are only friends with either students, fanboys or other gurus? Apart from that, they have no one) and lead a shitty life.

    Thanks for your blog, Johnny, a much needed breath of fresh air, just like Alek and Aaron.

    1. I wouldn't say it is ridiculously easy and stupid but more like it is very straight forward and not complicated. For instance, getting into shape helps tremendously - but that for sure is not easy. It's not complicated - lift weights, eat less/more according to your goals and rest well. Certainly not very easy to follow though.

      Game is certainly a hatred propagating thing. Too many people start hating themselves, hating women, start finding everyone else stupid etc. (Happened with me as well). Certainly not the image that should come up in your head when you think of "hitting on chicks".

  3. I think a lot of authors out there ask you to get a life, get a social circle, be social and not give a damn about what others tell you. Like any other field, there are different points of view in the pick up community.

  4. I haven't read seduction material for a very long time now so I can't comment much on this, but I can tell you for sure that even till a year back, no one was advising people to get a social circle and learn to be social in a normal guy way. Also from what I have seen, most people only write about these things in like one article on their blog and rest of it is about "cold" approaches.

    It's like 5 articles on the 90% and 500 articles on the 10%.

    The other important point, I hope you will realize in time, is that this is not a "field" and thus, there are no POVs. Man its not like science or maths. 99% of gurus are actually really bad with women and if you actually met their girls, you will just die in shame that you took advice from this guy. Also, most just preach without having any actual experiences, or just exaggerate stuff to no limits.

  5. this is just more garbage PUA advice

    1. Which part of this seems like PUA advice to you?

  6. "My point is, defining your self-esteem on what some 18-20 year old women think about you, is so beyond stupid that it is not even funny."

    Who said that one should even listen to what 18-20 year old girls say?
    The point that you are missing is that banging 18-20 year old girls dramatically raises the opinion that other MEN (therefore people in general, since they account for 50% of people!)have of you! Have you even thought of this? It is pretty obvious that you lack the necessary experience.

    Of course, basing your self-esteem on what other people think of you in general is not a healthy way of thinking, BUT this is not what you wanted to say.
    In any case, do you deny that acceptance by others is a major building block of the Maslow's pyramid of values?
    This post is yet another blind anti-PUA rant...

  7. "The point that you are missing is that banging 18-20 year old girls dramatically raises the opinion that other MEN"

    This is the fundamental problem and one of the starting points of all garbage PUA stupidities. Caring about what other internet bros think of you, is a pretty silly way to lead your life and certainly one which I don't subscribe to.

    "In any case, do you deny that acceptance by others is a major building block of the Maslow's pyramid of values? "

    In general, majority of society is fairly stupid, including guys. So thinking about what all of them are thinking is once again a very stupid idea, at least in my world. There are only a selected handful of people whose opinions I pay any attention to. Those "real-life" people (as opposed to internet bros) don't care at all about which girl I may or may not be banging.

  8. PUA on-line geological connection suggestions ar most useful and really efficient, this allows in reposeful and adscititious benefits of discovering female
    Melbourne Lair

  9. Its obvious that your sensitive.
    Alpha Male behavior is a way of introducing every mans natural side. Like a soul. The Alpha Male is what you are underneath. I can't believe you are acting like this and take advice from a goddam friend of yours who fucks hookers.
    There are two types of people in this world people who accept the way that society has made things and people who take the responsibility to change those things. Thats just one fucking guy out there who doesnt contribute all. You think that shits cute but its not, he went to school and so did he and we all have our duties in this world. So fuck you and your anti-pua. I am learning and trying techniques that actually have real connection to reality. There is some truth to this stuff.
    Hes a natural and actually makes sense dude. Look at it for once. Its possible to be good with women and teach it and thats exactly what he's doing.

  10. Very nice your blog and article. I like this blog thank for sharing.


  11. There is a lot of truth in this post, but things are not that easy. Sex is often linked with validation, yeah. However at the end of the day the real problem is not what others think of you, but your own worries about missing out on some important experience others are (apparently) getting.

    I would never brag publicly about how much I slayed, how skilled I was with girls, etc. But I want to know what it feels like, so that when I read somebody else's account about it I am basically indifferent. "Been there, done that" is what I suspect many people who get into PUA are after.

    I have had sex with hookers, and frankly, if the pro makes a bit of an effort it is pretty enjoyable. For the young men of today, for whom porn has been always there, banging your typically hot and skanky-looking hooker can be a lot of fun. It was for me. I could not care less about some random dude calling me names or branding me a "loser" for being a john. Au contraire, I wish I had tons of cash for it:)

    However, I also want to see what a "normal" relationship looks like. Among other things, because sex is also tied with age. The anxiety 20-something virgins have is that they know the clock is ticking. Yeah, for us men sexual prime lasts longer, but not that long. I seriously doubt you can have better sex at 45 than at 25. Sorry but I can not help but scoff at those guys boasting about their "experience" and "technique". Sex for me is all about connecting with someone to a certain degree and preferably enjoying a good body. Male orgasm is always the same.

    You can do pretty much everything as an older guy. I am approaching 30 and I have never fired a real gun despite liking them, but I am not in hurry. It can be done anytime. Sex is something ideally done while young I think. Later in life you don't have the same "target-rich" environment, people look worse, you don't have as much free time, etc.