I know one commonly preached advice in the dating advice industry is that you should aim to max one self out in terms of say, physique, looks, style, conversation skills, lifestyle etc. in order to improve your dating life. While the advice is valid, I am going to tell you in this post that beyond a basic level, assuming you have modest guy goals of having a decent dating life (and not to say bang Maxim cover models, or fuck 100 chicks etc ), all this shit won't help you much. If you have a done a basic job of all these items and are still not getting anywhere with women, the problem is very likely got nothing to do with you and primarily with your environment and the chicks around you. Let me explain a bit more.
Think about the last time you went to a shopping mall or a bar or some activity or even just spent a day around walking or something. How many women were there which you think you would be reasonably happy to have sex with? If you live in a decently large city, my guess is that there were many many such chicks. Now while I am not a woman, my guess is that primarily it is pretty much the same with women. That they too see many many guys who they would be more than happy to have sex with. However, they don't actually do it. So basically if you are meeting even a somewhat reasonable number of women in your life, the issue is not really about attraction. The issue is whether she will act on her attraction.
Let me give you a few examples. So just a few days ago, I was chatting with this girl on Facebook. She was saying that she broke up with this guy. I tell her that to her mind off things, it might be a good idea to find another guy. One thing leads to another, she proposes a casual no string attached relationship. I am like okay. We decide to meet up the next day for drinks. The next day she cancels a few hours before giving some lame ass excuse. This girl has done the same once before as well. I know she likes me a lot. The problem however is her own fucked up head. For whatever reasons which is beyond me, she just won't commit to having sex with me.
Another example. I am at this event talking to a girl. She is showing mad interest in me. She is touching me constantly on my shoulders, things, forearms etc.. Sitting next to me with our thighs touching when there is ample space for her to move into. All this while I don't touch her once. Then I look at her in a clear sexual way put my arms around her shoulder. She freaks out and leaves.
I am sure all of you have had similar experiences. The thing here is not whether she likes you or not (almost certainly she does). The question really comes down to whether she is willing to act on it or not. This is where other shit like socio-cultural programming, childhood experiences, peer pressure all come into play.
This aspect is also interesting to me because I travel a bit. I remember the first time I met a girl in a bar in New York and literally after talking to her for like 20 seconds, I took her arm and pulled to the other side of the room. She happily followed. I was literally shocked because this would never happen in my country. A girl would just never be so trusting of a random guy. I felt something similar when the first time I met a girl for like 2 mins I had to leave with friends to another bar and when I told her to come, she came along. Or when a girl agreed for a date after chatting with me for 10 mins.
The me in different situations doesn't change. Only change is the girl in question. Some more happily act on their interest. Others don't. So naturally when you are in an environment or with girls who will happily act on their interest, things will naturally move along much faster and much farther, compared to other cases. This is also why you find that girls on vacation are much easier. It's simply that when they like a guy, they are much more willing to actually carry through with it. Or girls are much sluttier in college. Simply because it is socially acceptable to fuck random dudes. It's not that they rarely meet fuckable guys later.Or that married women are easier.
Even within the same city, some environments are much more open than others. I have some gay friends and they took me to a gay party once. I literally saw a whole bunch of people of guys pulling other guys into bathrooms when frankly, it's something I have very rarely seen otherwise in my country. Everyone was also very friends and talking to each other whereas in most bars here, people stick to their own groups. I have also seen that in general that girls who work in the entertainment or fashion industry are more open than the average girls.
Anyway, my take home point is this - if you are a guy who has done at least some basic level of work on his foundations and are still not getting much in terms of women, the reason almost certainly is not you. Yes you can work even more on that physique, buy even fancier clothing, escalate even faster and more aggressively and what not, but most likely, things are not going to change much. However, if you instead met a bunch of girls or were in an environment where things move much more easily, the same you will have drastically different success. So basically, don't beat yourself over girls, especially if you are a guy who has some basics handled but still don't get much
Monday 21 January 2013
Friday 18 January 2013
At what point is "Game" not worth it?
The question I want to ask everyone in this post is this - at what point does going out primarily for the purpose of gaming women become not worth it?
I know most people who get into PUA definitely question whether spending all this time, money and effort on this is worth it. Forget PUAs, even general guys who chase women a lot through different means, do question at some point whether it's worth the trouble. I hope this post will help them.
So the way I look at this is very simple - there is a certain dollar value estimate of my time in opportunity cost terms. There is a certain value I associate with getting a chick. If dollar value of time spent is greater than the value I get from it, it is not worth it.
For the purpose of a crude sample calculation, let's say I value my time at $20 an hour. Say I value getting a chick at $200 (roughly the cost of a decent escort per hour). So basically what I am saying is that on an average, if I don't get a girl for every 10 hours I put in, then it is not worth it. 10 hours roughly translates to 3 nights of going out.
Now these would be different for different people. Maybe you really enjoy going to the venues you go to. That brings down the effective opportunity cost. Maybe you are a broke homeless guy, so your opportunity cost is lower. Maybe you value getting chicks from a random approach highly. So your value is much higher. Maybe you are on vacation, maybe you have a business to work on - there are a bunch of factors. Maybe for you a bunch of intangibles matter a lot. Maybe you feel right now it is not worth it, but pretty soon, you will get the hang of this thing, and it will then be worth it.
Whatever the case might be and whatever your numbers might be, the point just becomes this - decide a certain success rate for yourself. If you are not getting at least that, then just quit. Say it is making out with at least one chick for every two nights I go out. Getting one chick home for every 6 nights I go out. It needn't just be chicks though. Maybe you went out and found amazing guy who hit it off really well with, and are likely to become each others BFFs. Whatever it is. Just fix on something. If you are not hitting that consistently, seriously, just quit.
If I give you my own example, I am not a particularly stand out attractive guy, so if I were approaching chicks randomly it would take me fair amount of time to get one (on an average). I also have a business to work on, I have a couple of side interests I indulge in, have some friends to hang out with. The country I live in is also fairly conservative. Thus for me, generally speaking, committing a bunch of time from my schedule exclusively for the purpose of approaching random women is just not worth it.
For others, maybe you have a bunch of time on your hands. Maybe you live in a city or are involved in a niche where women are in general very open to fucking random guys. Maybe you are a tall and very good looking guy. For a guy like this, it makes much more sense to go out in the pursuit of pussy.
For most people though, I am sure if they did a calculation like this, they would realize that for them spending a bunch of time exclusively on women is most likely not worth it.
I know most people who get into PUA definitely question whether spending all this time, money and effort on this is worth it. Forget PUAs, even general guys who chase women a lot through different means, do question at some point whether it's worth the trouble. I hope this post will help them.
So the way I look at this is very simple - there is a certain dollar value estimate of my time in opportunity cost terms. There is a certain value I associate with getting a chick. If dollar value of time spent is greater than the value I get from it, it is not worth it.
For the purpose of a crude sample calculation, let's say I value my time at $20 an hour. Say I value getting a chick at $200 (roughly the cost of a decent escort per hour). So basically what I am saying is that on an average, if I don't get a girl for every 10 hours I put in, then it is not worth it. 10 hours roughly translates to 3 nights of going out.
Now these would be different for different people. Maybe you really enjoy going to the venues you go to. That brings down the effective opportunity cost. Maybe you are a broke homeless guy, so your opportunity cost is lower. Maybe you value getting chicks from a random approach highly. So your value is much higher. Maybe you are on vacation, maybe you have a business to work on - there are a bunch of factors. Maybe for you a bunch of intangibles matter a lot. Maybe you feel right now it is not worth it, but pretty soon, you will get the hang of this thing, and it will then be worth it.
Whatever the case might be and whatever your numbers might be, the point just becomes this - decide a certain success rate for yourself. If you are not getting at least that, then just quit. Say it is making out with at least one chick for every two nights I go out. Getting one chick home for every 6 nights I go out. It needn't just be chicks though. Maybe you went out and found amazing guy who hit it off really well with, and are likely to become each others BFFs. Whatever it is. Just fix on something. If you are not hitting that consistently, seriously, just quit.
If I give you my own example, I am not a particularly stand out attractive guy, so if I were approaching chicks randomly it would take me fair amount of time to get one (on an average). I also have a business to work on, I have a couple of side interests I indulge in, have some friends to hang out with. The country I live in is also fairly conservative. Thus for me, generally speaking, committing a bunch of time from my schedule exclusively for the purpose of approaching random women is just not worth it.
For others, maybe you have a bunch of time on your hands. Maybe you live in a city or are involved in a niche where women are in general very open to fucking random guys. Maybe you are a tall and very good looking guy. For a guy like this, it makes much more sense to go out in the pursuit of pussy.
For most people though, I am sure if they did a calculation like this, they would realize that for them spending a bunch of time exclusively on women is most likely not worth it.
Thursday 17 January 2013
Book based on this blog
So Aaron Sleazy and I collaborated and produced a free book based on this blog. There are a lot of changes though, the content is better edited, it is better organized and there are many new chapters as well. So even if you have read my blog, I would recommend you going through the book as well. And well, it is free.
You can download it from this post on Sleazy's website
http://aaronsleazy.blogspot.com/2013/01/free-ebook-johnnys-journey.html
While on this topic, I am thinking that if there is enough interest generated from this book, I might do a few posts as well on this blog. Topics which have been on my mind for a while but I decided to not write about them because a bunch of reasons including laziness.
Anyway, hope you enjoy the book. Do drop in a line or two about what you thought of the book!
You can download it from this post on Sleazy's website
http://aaronsleazy.blogspot.com/2013/01/free-ebook-johnnys-journey.html
While on this topic, I am thinking that if there is enough interest generated from this book, I might do a few posts as well on this blog. Topics which have been on my mind for a while but I decided to not write about them because a bunch of reasons including laziness.
Anyway, hope you enjoy the book. Do drop in a line or two about what you thought of the book!
Monday 25 June 2012
Officially closing this blog
Recently a guy commented that this blog has got fairly sucky off late, where I am not really writing stuff much of value and am seemingly just hating on game dudes. I like to think there is a lot of value in even that as I am saying there isn't much to be done and that there are only some 10-15 things which are needed, a lot of which I outline on this blog. Having said that, I recognize the point and have myself been feeling that I have been going on randomly about shit, as I feel there isn't much to write anymore.
With that said, I am officially closing this blog. I can of course keep writing about random stuff to no end, but that also goes fundamentally against what I believe that you don't need much stuff. For 99% percent of the people, if you just went and implemented the advice on this blog, you won't need much beyond this. For any further advice, Sleazy's blog and Sleazy's forum is much more than enough.
There is one point which I want to make to people who still actively read seduction blogs. Please understand, there isn't too much theory or ideas that you need. A few key ideas are all that is needed - beyond that, you just have to go out and do stuff. Constantly reading PUA blogs doesn't help and is actually just hurtful.
There has also been a change in my life situation lately in that I quit my job and am doing a start-up. Going forward, I want to spend most of my time on that and not on any seduction related stuff. I might still post every now and then on Sleazy's forum but that's about it. For anyone who hasn't read through that, I can't recommend it enough. Off late, I have also been divulging too much of personal info online, which looking back I am not entirely comfortable with, so that is another reason to stop.
I am very happy that I started this blog and many people have told me that they have liked it a lot and got a lot of value out of it. I also think that I have already shared a large quantity of whatever I wanted to write about.
There is just one request I would make to people who read this blog - please write about your experiences honestly somewhere, even if you have not achieved all your dating goals yet. There are too many non-legit dudes out there on the internet churning out non-stop garbage and the dating advice world could certainly use more legit people.
With all that said, adios guys. Feel free to email me and/or drop me a comment on this blog and I will respond
With that said, I am officially closing this blog. I can of course keep writing about random stuff to no end, but that also goes fundamentally against what I believe that you don't need much stuff. For 99% percent of the people, if you just went and implemented the advice on this blog, you won't need much beyond this. For any further advice, Sleazy's blog and Sleazy's forum is much more than enough.
There is one point which I want to make to people who still actively read seduction blogs. Please understand, there isn't too much theory or ideas that you need. A few key ideas are all that is needed - beyond that, you just have to go out and do stuff. Constantly reading PUA blogs doesn't help and is actually just hurtful.
There has also been a change in my life situation lately in that I quit my job and am doing a start-up. Going forward, I want to spend most of my time on that and not on any seduction related stuff. I might still post every now and then on Sleazy's forum but that's about it. For anyone who hasn't read through that, I can't recommend it enough. Off late, I have also been divulging too much of personal info online, which looking back I am not entirely comfortable with, so that is another reason to stop.
I am very happy that I started this blog and many people have told me that they have liked it a lot and got a lot of value out of it. I also think that I have already shared a large quantity of whatever I wanted to write about.
There is just one request I would make to people who read this blog - please write about your experiences honestly somewhere, even if you have not achieved all your dating goals yet. There are too many non-legit dudes out there on the internet churning out non-stop garbage and the dating advice world could certainly use more legit people.
With all that said, adios guys. Feel free to email me and/or drop me a comment on this blog and I will respond
Tuesday 15 May 2012
Women are just as clueless as guys
Today I want to talk about one implied notion which comes across from a lot of dating advice. It's this thing that women are somehow socially perfect and that if you manage to improve your game enough, at the very least, you should get majority of the women who are interested in you. However, what is much closer to the truth is that a lot of women are just as clueless as guys when it comes to dating and that it takes two to tango.
Let me give you examples from my recent experiences. Yesterday night, I went to a stand up comedy night. There was this girl who was constantly looking at me and smiling very seductively. I also know from an acquaintance who knows her that she is single. I go to her, we chat a bit. A little later in the evening when I am about to leave, I tell her if you would like to go do XYZ activity with me this weekend. Suddenly she gets all nervous, starts giving me some BS. So I am like okay, no issue and move on.
Now, it is of course possible that I was wrong in assuming that she likes me but usually, my intuition is pretty spot on these days. So I don't know what the issue was with her, but in my view, I did my part of initiating the conversation, talking a bit and asking her out. Maybe she wanted to chat more, maybe she did not want to do some other shit - point is, every girl wants different things and you can only do so much. If the girl doesn't do her part, you can't do much.
I'll give other examples. I remember this one time in a bar, I was talking to a girl and then moved in really close. Suddenly the girl starts getting all mixed emotions and tells me in quick succession that I smell so good and about how she is still hurt because a guy of my nationality dated her, told her he is going to marry her and then later dumped her. A few days back, I was in bed with another girl watching a movie. We start getting a little cuddly, then we start making out and as I try to ramp up the physical escalation, she is like I am not sure if I want to do this, I am still hurt from some XYZ relationship, some other crap blah blah blah.
Other times, it could be an issue in much simpler aspects. You are out with some friends at some cool event, you text a girl to come over as it is going to be a lot of fun - and then she starts getting all weird and shy, starts thinking I don't know about the event, will I get along with people yada yada. I remember another time in NY when I was going for a party on a private yatch with a friend in the Hudson. It was going to be an uber fancy party, with some drop dead gorgeous people. Now in my view, it was a no brainer that if I invite someone they come. I called up a female friend who used to live close by and told her to come over. At first, she acted really pricey saying I don't know, I am really tired. In my head, I was like, really?! I asked her once more, once again she acted pricey so I was like fuck it. Suddenly when I told her ok, don't come - she is like okay I will come but I am doing this only for you and you owe me for this! I have had some friends tell me similar shit where they ask some girl out for a movie, and for no particular reason she will act really pricey and expect that the guy will ask her out 2-3 times before she will say yes.
Point is, in these situations, you can be persistent and it's quite possible that the girl will come around later but it's also very acceptable if you went like, fuck it, I don't want to deal with this shit and move on. You played your part and it takes two to tango. Yes, with experience you can sense some of what the girl wants and turn these cases around, but you can only lift so much of the weight which she should be doing. Now, this is no excuse for you to not play your part, but the point is, a lot of the times, it really isn't your fault and there is only so much you can do.
Coming back to the original point, whenever some dude tells you that you have to listen and relate with the girl, not make her appear like a slut, figure out her logistics, try to understand what she likes, text her at the right time when she is free, connect with her emotionally, organize a fun date, keep the conversation fun, don't be clingy, be persistent but not be clingy, be aggressive but don't creep her out, make statements and don't ask questions, create an "us" vibe blah blah blah - dude seriously, if you don't want to, don't bother. There is only so much you can do. If the girl is not playing her part, there is only so much you can do.
So next time, don't bother so much about being smooth. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Don't bother with if this is an appropriate time to ask her out, or should I chat with more. Should I organize a coffee date or is it okay to straight call her over for a movie at my place. Is it okay to just text "hey.. wassup.. how you doing" or should I come with something super clever. This is all another form of supplicating women. Do your bit - initiate conversations, ask for her phone number, ask her out, make a move on a date, ask her to come home etc. but don't worry about being smooth or creating the perfect moments. It takes two to tango.
Another related point. In my experience, difficult women remain difficult. You might think that okay, let pursue this girl for a while even when I don't want to because maybe, after a while, she will be all normal and easy. That usually doesn't happen.
Last point, please don't think of this post as me being a misogynist or that I "hate" women. I am just saying the truth that you can only do so much. You can't lift all the weight which she is supposed to. Also, please stop reading websites like "nerds get girls" etc. because by saying nerds, or geeks etc. - there is an implied assumption that women really know what they are doing but the truth is they are just as clueless as guys, if not more.
Let me give you examples from my recent experiences. Yesterday night, I went to a stand up comedy night. There was this girl who was constantly looking at me and smiling very seductively. I also know from an acquaintance who knows her that she is single. I go to her, we chat a bit. A little later in the evening when I am about to leave, I tell her if you would like to go do XYZ activity with me this weekend. Suddenly she gets all nervous, starts giving me some BS. So I am like okay, no issue and move on.
Now, it is of course possible that I was wrong in assuming that she likes me but usually, my intuition is pretty spot on these days. So I don't know what the issue was with her, but in my view, I did my part of initiating the conversation, talking a bit and asking her out. Maybe she wanted to chat more, maybe she did not want to do some other shit - point is, every girl wants different things and you can only do so much. If the girl doesn't do her part, you can't do much.
I'll give other examples. I remember this one time in a bar, I was talking to a girl and then moved in really close. Suddenly the girl starts getting all mixed emotions and tells me in quick succession that I smell so good and about how she is still hurt because a guy of my nationality dated her, told her he is going to marry her and then later dumped her. A few days back, I was in bed with another girl watching a movie. We start getting a little cuddly, then we start making out and as I try to ramp up the physical escalation, she is like I am not sure if I want to do this, I am still hurt from some XYZ relationship, some other crap blah blah blah.
Other times, it could be an issue in much simpler aspects. You are out with some friends at some cool event, you text a girl to come over as it is going to be a lot of fun - and then she starts getting all weird and shy, starts thinking I don't know about the event, will I get along with people yada yada. I remember another time in NY when I was going for a party on a private yatch with a friend in the Hudson. It was going to be an uber fancy party, with some drop dead gorgeous people. Now in my view, it was a no brainer that if I invite someone they come. I called up a female friend who used to live close by and told her to come over. At first, she acted really pricey saying I don't know, I am really tired. In my head, I was like, really?! I asked her once more, once again she acted pricey so I was like fuck it. Suddenly when I told her ok, don't come - she is like okay I will come but I am doing this only for you and you owe me for this! I have had some friends tell me similar shit where they ask some girl out for a movie, and for no particular reason she will act really pricey and expect that the guy will ask her out 2-3 times before she will say yes.
Point is, in these situations, you can be persistent and it's quite possible that the girl will come around later but it's also very acceptable if you went like, fuck it, I don't want to deal with this shit and move on. You played your part and it takes two to tango. Yes, with experience you can sense some of what the girl wants and turn these cases around, but you can only lift so much of the weight which she should be doing. Now, this is no excuse for you to not play your part, but the point is, a lot of the times, it really isn't your fault and there is only so much you can do.
Coming back to the original point, whenever some dude tells you that you have to listen and relate with the girl, not make her appear like a slut, figure out her logistics, try to understand what she likes, text her at the right time when she is free, connect with her emotionally, organize a fun date, keep the conversation fun, don't be clingy, be persistent but not be clingy, be aggressive but don't creep her out, make statements and don't ask questions, create an "us" vibe blah blah blah - dude seriously, if you don't want to, don't bother. There is only so much you can do. If the girl is not playing her part, there is only so much you can do.
So next time, don't bother so much about being smooth. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Don't bother with if this is an appropriate time to ask her out, or should I chat with more. Should I organize a coffee date or is it okay to straight call her over for a movie at my place. Is it okay to just text "hey.. wassup.. how you doing" or should I come with something super clever. This is all another form of supplicating women. Do your bit - initiate conversations, ask for her phone number, ask her out, make a move on a date, ask her to come home etc. but don't worry about being smooth or creating the perfect moments. It takes two to tango.
Another related point. In my experience, difficult women remain difficult. You might think that okay, let pursue this girl for a while even when I don't want to because maybe, after a while, she will be all normal and easy. That usually doesn't happen.
Last point, please don't think of this post as me being a misogynist or that I "hate" women. I am just saying the truth that you can only do so much. You can't lift all the weight which she is supposed to. Also, please stop reading websites like "nerds get girls" etc. because by saying nerds, or geeks etc. - there is an implied assumption that women really know what they are doing but the truth is they are just as clueless as guys, if not more.
Monday 7 May 2012
Building positive reference experience
Most of us will have had nights or just other times of the day where you have come back and started this negative thought loop - thinking I am not good, why the fuck am I like this, why the fuck not like this, am I going to be single for life etc. Today I want to talk about this aspect and a bit about your thought processes.
So what general community will advice for this is some random feel-good garbage or other "inner-game" shit. I am not a big believer in any of that. I feel a lot of these come down to building positive reference experiences which you can look back on (consciously or subconsciously) and say, dude that is just not true. Looking into reference experiences are valuable for many reasons but total I want to talk about the emotional side of things. Let me give you an example first.
So as I have mentioned a few times on my blog, I have very well for myself professionally, academically and the like. I graduated near top of the class in what is considered one of the toughest engineering programs in the country, I used to work for a very "prestigious" job where was I consistently one of the best performers, I have received outstandingly favorable reviews in anything work related and the like. Point is, because I have so much positive reference experiences to back myself, I rarely question myself whether I am really good work-related or not. Even if I am having an off night, my mind might say yeah dude, you are probably not very suited for this particular thing or maybe that you are not yet ready to do this particular thing. It never ever asks me if I will be ever able to earn enough money to live a reasonable life, will I ever get a job if someone fires me from my present thing etc.
Similarly with women, while earlier I used to think all these things that maybe I am too ugly, maybe I am too short, maybe I will never get women, no one likes me yada yada yada, but now that I have built up quite a few reference experiences where I look back and say dude, plenty of women like me. Because of that, if my mind ever wants to go into this negative thought cycle, some part of me is just not able to take this seriously because well, simply too many really nice women have liked me. A part of me is willing to accept that I maybe a dud at following signals a woman sends out, or I am not aggressive enough, or I just may not frequently get super hot women, but these days it rarely happens that I tell myself that oh shit, no one likes me.
What you may also realize now is why a lot indiscriminate cold approaching is just horrible for your emotional state. A typical PUA newbie has this very problem that he has too much of negative reference experience built up in his head. If he goes out and randomly approaches women without having some game plan and have some reasonable expectations, he gets rejected a lot and whole thing just further adds to his fucked up mental state.
The solution is twofold. First, know what to look for, what are realistic expectations etc.. This is what is called as living in reality. If you think that after getting enough skillz you might seduce any woman, then you will never be happy. You will be chasing after something unreal and your reference experiences will never back that up leading to too many emotional swings. If you approach taller women and get shot down regularly, then well, you do not know what to look for. I think there are 2-3 things that are important to keep in mind here. Taller women are rarely interested, it is a number's game so statistically speaking most women are not interested in you, looks are very important thus getting women who are "out of league" will generally not happen, venues are important, having something in common with the women you are seeking is important, things may not go smoothly all the time etc.
Once you know what to look for, then next step is to actually put yourself in situations and just build that experience. This is where action is important. You won't build reference experiences sitting at home or reading some book. One point is that some people might say, you are too accepting of your situation, don't want to improve, don't encourage self-improvement and that with enough doing XYZ, you might do significantly better. My point is, isn't it better to have realistic expectations so you are content and then happy when you occasionally punch above your weight or is it better to only be content when you sporadically punch above your weight?
Once you have enough reference experience and the right metrics, you will just stop having these random emotional ups and downs. I haven't had those for a while now. You will just not be able to take your mind seriously when it might try to go into one of those self-destructive thought loops because you will be like, dude, that is just not true.
So what general community will advice for this is some random feel-good garbage or other "inner-game" shit. I am not a big believer in any of that. I feel a lot of these come down to building positive reference experiences which you can look back on (consciously or subconsciously) and say, dude that is just not true. Looking into reference experiences are valuable for many reasons but total I want to talk about the emotional side of things. Let me give you an example first.
So as I have mentioned a few times on my blog, I have very well for myself professionally, academically and the like. I graduated near top of the class in what is considered one of the toughest engineering programs in the country, I used to work for a very "prestigious" job where was I consistently one of the best performers, I have received outstandingly favorable reviews in anything work related and the like. Point is, because I have so much positive reference experiences to back myself, I rarely question myself whether I am really good work-related or not. Even if I am having an off night, my mind might say yeah dude, you are probably not very suited for this particular thing or maybe that you are not yet ready to do this particular thing. It never ever asks me if I will be ever able to earn enough money to live a reasonable life, will I ever get a job if someone fires me from my present thing etc.
Similarly with women, while earlier I used to think all these things that maybe I am too ugly, maybe I am too short, maybe I will never get women, no one likes me yada yada yada, but now that I have built up quite a few reference experiences where I look back and say dude, plenty of women like me. Because of that, if my mind ever wants to go into this negative thought cycle, some part of me is just not able to take this seriously because well, simply too many really nice women have liked me. A part of me is willing to accept that I maybe a dud at following signals a woman sends out, or I am not aggressive enough, or I just may not frequently get super hot women, but these days it rarely happens that I tell myself that oh shit, no one likes me.
What you may also realize now is why a lot indiscriminate cold approaching is just horrible for your emotional state. A typical PUA newbie has this very problem that he has too much of negative reference experience built up in his head. If he goes out and randomly approaches women without having some game plan and have some reasonable expectations, he gets rejected a lot and whole thing just further adds to his fucked up mental state.
The solution is twofold. First, know what to look for, what are realistic expectations etc.. This is what is called as living in reality. If you think that after getting enough skillz you might seduce any woman, then you will never be happy. You will be chasing after something unreal and your reference experiences will never back that up leading to too many emotional swings. If you approach taller women and get shot down regularly, then well, you do not know what to look for. I think there are 2-3 things that are important to keep in mind here. Taller women are rarely interested, it is a number's game so statistically speaking most women are not interested in you, looks are very important thus getting women who are "out of league" will generally not happen, venues are important, having something in common with the women you are seeking is important, things may not go smoothly all the time etc.
Once you know what to look for, then next step is to actually put yourself in situations and just build that experience. This is where action is important. You won't build reference experiences sitting at home or reading some book. One point is that some people might say, you are too accepting of your situation, don't want to improve, don't encourage self-improvement and that with enough doing XYZ, you might do significantly better. My point is, isn't it better to have realistic expectations so you are content and then happy when you occasionally punch above your weight or is it better to only be content when you sporadically punch above your weight?
Once you have enough reference experience and the right metrics, you will just stop having these random emotional ups and downs. I haven't had those for a while now. You will just not be able to take your mind seriously when it might try to go into one of those self-destructive thought loops because you will be like, dude, that is just not true.
Saturday 5 May 2012
Who defines your self-esteem?
I want to talk about self-esteem today and how PUA community gives totally fucked up ideas on this one. Lets start with the example of Dj Fuji. He frequently in his talks says how at 20 something, he was in the Marines, was earning tons of money, in very good physical condition, was a home-owner blah blah blah but he felt like shit, because he couldn't get chicks. This story may not be as dramatically put by other scam artists, err, pick up artists, but it is similar.
It's basically that everything which I or anyone has done in life is bullshit, if you are not able to bang hot 18-22 year old women. I remember reading Roosh sometime and he had a post where he was making fun of some doctor dude who since he was unable to bang hot pussy on a regular basis, Roosh thought he was stupid. There are other dudes who since they are now able to bang 20 year olds, suddenly feel top of the world.
My point is, defining your self-esteem on what some 18-20 year old women think about you, is so beyond stupid that it is not even funny. Let me share with you some comments which some 18-20 year old women have made. One girl asked me why I went to the best engineering school of my country when it is so boring there and that I should have gone to some other XYZPartySchool instead. Another 21 year old girl was telling me about some "absolutely essential" qualities a guy must have before she would date him - 6" feet tall (she is 5'3"), good looking, fairly rich, well traveled, independent thinker, from a ivy-league type college, should not be possessive etc. You get the drift. I can go on and on and on about these examples. (I happen to have a few female cousins in the age bracket 18-21, so I meet a lot of them and their friends)
Barring like 0.1% of them, most of them are so beyond immature that seriously thinking about what they say or decide to do is completely stupid. Now imagine the typical PUA who bases his self-esteem on how many club chicks or other teenage hotties he is able to fuck. In light of my arguments above, how intelligent does this idea sound to you? If I were to do this, then all the things I have achieved in life (And I do think I have achieved a fair bit in life by any metric) is all nothing compared to some struggling bar tender who has banged a 100 chicks?
Now think about your average PUA. He goes around clubs and bars, getting rejected by random women. He focuses on self-improvement so that he can bang chicks. He learns how to tell stories properly. He learn how to do "role-plays", he learns "NLP" and not sure what other fucked up shit he does. He goes through emotional ups and downs. He glamorizes the "journey" to an unimaginable degree saying it is rewarding beyond belief. Spend tens of hours every week over many months and years, all for what!? So that he can get validated by some teenage or near teenage girls? Is that really what you want to work for - the validation of teenage girls?
There are other super stupid statements which people make - "if you don't fuck chicks then your genes will not be passed on" (something to this effect. I think this was made by Mystery). Point is man, there is a lot more to life than fucking teenage girls. I hope to god that you don't let your mood, life, self-esteem, conversational ability etc. be defined by what they think of you.
It's basically that everything which I or anyone has done in life is bullshit, if you are not able to bang hot 18-22 year old women. I remember reading Roosh sometime and he had a post where he was making fun of some doctor dude who since he was unable to bang hot pussy on a regular basis, Roosh thought he was stupid. There are other dudes who since they are now able to bang 20 year olds, suddenly feel top of the world.
My point is, defining your self-esteem on what some 18-20 year old women think about you, is so beyond stupid that it is not even funny. Let me share with you some comments which some 18-20 year old women have made. One girl asked me why I went to the best engineering school of my country when it is so boring there and that I should have gone to some other XYZPartySchool instead. Another 21 year old girl was telling me about some "absolutely essential" qualities a guy must have before she would date him - 6" feet tall (she is 5'3"), good looking, fairly rich, well traveled, independent thinker, from a ivy-league type college, should not be possessive etc. You get the drift. I can go on and on and on about these examples. (I happen to have a few female cousins in the age bracket 18-21, so I meet a lot of them and their friends)
Barring like 0.1% of them, most of them are so beyond immature that seriously thinking about what they say or decide to do is completely stupid. Now imagine the typical PUA who bases his self-esteem on how many club chicks or other teenage hotties he is able to fuck. In light of my arguments above, how intelligent does this idea sound to you? If I were to do this, then all the things I have achieved in life (And I do think I have achieved a fair bit in life by any metric) is all nothing compared to some struggling bar tender who has banged a 100 chicks?
Now think about your average PUA. He goes around clubs and bars, getting rejected by random women. He focuses on self-improvement so that he can bang chicks. He learns how to tell stories properly. He learn how to do "role-plays", he learns "NLP" and not sure what other fucked up shit he does. He goes through emotional ups and downs. He glamorizes the "journey" to an unimaginable degree saying it is rewarding beyond belief. Spend tens of hours every week over many months and years, all for what!? So that he can get validated by some teenage or near teenage girls? Is that really what you want to work for - the validation of teenage girls?
There are other super stupid statements which people make - "if you don't fuck chicks then your genes will not be passed on" (something to this effect. I think this was made by Mystery). Point is man, there is a lot more to life than fucking teenage girls. I hope to god that you don't let your mood, life, self-esteem, conversational ability etc. be defined by what they think of you.
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