Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Rejection doesn't matter - Part 2

This article is about how this attitude keeps even the somewhat legit coaches from seeing the light, and keeps worsening the state of this industry.

Say the average dude from previous part keeps going. Eventually he either becomes too fucked up mentally and quits, or maybe, just maybe, after having done enough approaches, in spite of all the cognitive dissonance, he becomes decent with women (even if only in his head) and thus, decides to help other average dudes to improve their love lives. He believes in this epic journey, how this journey transforms lives etc. (Of course, his journey has certainly been epic). At this stage, his intentions are somewhat legit even if he is fairly fucked up in his head.

Good examples of this are Rob Judge and Dj Fuji. (Actually, these days given the kind of stuff Rob promotes and tries to sell, I seriously doubt if he even bothers believing that he is trying to help others. A part of me is seriously ashamed and embarrassed that I believed in that guy once and that I seriously considered inviting him out with my regular normal friends. Anyway). There is actually a good chance that these dudes have read Tim Ferriss' 4 hour work week by now, and think PUA coaching and products is the perfect way to live the 4 hour work week life.

(Now I know there are coaches who are just total scams right from the off, but I feel a lot of coaches fall into this category. By now, they are too brainwashed to see any objectivity and are on different levels of crazy. As an example, there was some dude on RSD and another on Zan Perrion's who was saying how after 1000 approaches, he didn't get anything from it, but still genuinely believed that others should feel inspired from his journey).

So now this dude does about helping others. There is a huge problem right from the off. The guys who come for help are totally clueless and very likely, already too far away from reality. They have no clue what success means and how to really get there. How phone numbers don't mean shit. How maybe all you need to do is go out, talk to a few women, and if a woman likes you, just escalate. Maybe be a little realistic about who you can and can't get. These guys are easily wowed. For most of them, just being able to approach a few good looking girls and getting a number means "you changed my life man" (I know this is what I felt after my first 2-3 cold approach numbers. That I had somehow stumbled upon this hidden treasure which no one knew about).

So the coach gets a few clients, and a lot of them say, wow dude, you changed my life. This is so awesome. Thank you so much. Of course, anyone would get a kick and a high from that. Now, if some dude comes to them and says, I can get numbers now, thanks a lot, you changed my life - of course the coach is not going to slap him and say that it doesn't mean shit, tell me when you get laid regularly and with hot girls and your success ratio is reasonable. Till then, don't thank me. Post bootcamp highs, sporadic testimonials where a guy randomly picks up a hot girl etc. just keep heightening the problem and the coach thinks he really does have special powers. He just feels great that he is helping so many people and is making a living out it. What can possibly be better?

Then many months later, one of his clients ends up finding Aaron Sleazy, reads through it, reflects on his own experiences and realizes how he has been deluding himself for all this time and sends a stinking negative review to his coach. He tries to help him a bit, talk to him but the client tells the coach to get the hell away from him. Coach thinks - "rejection doesn't matter", you can't please everyone, I am getting all these positive replies from clients who tell me I have changed their lives, so well one person telling me I am a scam doesn't mean shit. He focuses on clients whose lives he had impacted. The problem gets severely severely compounded because some guys never wake up, others even when they wake up are too embarrassed to name drop and sometimes never write about their negative experiences, others move on and just think yeah, lets forget this, I was stupid, lets move on. The other side of this coin is that stupid people who get numbers etc. are way too excited and write a lot about their positive experiences. Thus, combination of rejection doesn't matter, few negative reviews and lots of fake positive reviews never let the coach see the light.

The same problem gets extended to justify scammy marketing and scammy products. A coach starts realizing that it is not easy to sell products and that the only potential way to do it is to get slightly scammy and exaggerate things a bit. But hey, at least my product is really good. Once again, few negative reviews, lots of positive reviews and since negative reviews don't matter, he thinks this is great. Now he freely uses scammy marketing to sell products. Soon this whole thing just degenerates. Also, this idea that he focuses only on "people who he can help", "I can't please everyone" etc. just keeps worsening the situation.

So you see how these attitudes affect even somewhat legit people? Take into account how some people naturally don't care much or care very little when it comes to making money and that some folks are just outright scammy, and you see why this industry is what it is.

So to conclude, please be careful when you use take this attitude of "rejection doesn't matter" too far. Lots of rejection exists to tell you that something is wrong. For an average guy, it is okay to a large degree because one tends to see the rejection fast, a lot of times getting rejected is for a reason that is not related to him - so it's relatively fine. For a coach though, assuming you really do care about helping people (big if), please pay lots of special attention to every negative review, because most clients don't know what the fuck they are talking about when they send you a positive review and you won't get to see a lot of cases where it did not help the person because they don't write about it.

Rejection doesn't matter - Part 1

I want to talk about this attitude today - rejection doesn't matter. Isn't this the very fucking basis of this PUA community? I want to talk a bit more about this attitude and how this potentially leads to extremely anti-social behavior, is literally the core reason why PUA is like a such a big cult, why this industry is such a big scam and why it will continue to be until this is thought over in a bit more detail.

So say an average guy gets into this industry. He hasn't been very successful with women in his life. One huge reason is that he likely cares way too much about what others think. So he is told, rejection doesn't matter. So far so good. He goes out, tries some stupid lines, techniques and what not, and gets rejected a bunch of times. He thinks something is not right. His coach tells him, dude rejection does not matter, you are improving, baby steps at a time. You couldn't approach earlier, now you can. Keep going. Freshly inspired, keeps going, same story. Rejected a bunch of times.

Here is where it starts to get a bit shady. The point is, consistently being rejected is a sign that something is not working. Something needs to change. Here, the PUA gurus say, dude rejection doesn't matter. You are improving. Others don't understand what we are doing here. Cold approach is fucking hard. He keeps going. Not realizing how anti-social and mentally fucked up he is getting, he keeps going. The other fucked up dudes who can relate to his position, only help to amplify this problem. Statements like these then slowly isolate him from normal society, attach him to other similarly fucked up people and just keep amplifying this cult like problem. Since he thinks others in normal society are totally stupid, can't understand what he is doing, he only listens to others who are doing this.

Problem is, they are too fucked up themselves so of course, they can't talk straight. When these fucked up dudes talk amongst each other, no one really admits how no one is really getting laid. No one talks about how they too have been doubting if this PUA journey is really worth it. Someone might even be very bullish on PUA till that point. All these people, think this is supposed to be really hard, you have keep another brother going, so they spur him on instead of admitting the truth to themselves and others. So the problem just keeps on worsening.

You see the point? How these small statements and attitudes when overused amplify the cult like feeling so much and prevents objectivity from showing you the light? In the follow up article I actually want to talk about the other side of the problem (it is much much worse) and how when coaches use a similar attitude, the industry as a whole goes downhill and becomes such a scam.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Glamorization of the "PUA Journey"

One massive massive massive issue that I have with the PUA community is this notion that they create in your head of this being an "epic journey", this journey where you transform yourself, you beat all odds, after which you are not lonely anymore blah blah blah. Lets look at one of the speeches given by a PUA dude, who is fairly popular - Dj Fuji. Many people say he is one of most legit coaches out there. Don't bother watching the whole speech (I didn't). The first 5-10 minutes is enough.

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He is using all this self-help pep talk stuff - this talk will transform your "journey", mindsets, game, motivation, giving excuses, how I had it all - I was in marines, rich, working in a nice job yada yada yada, but deep down, I felt inadequate because I didn't have chicks, how there was a massive "pain period", I constantly went out, there was light at the end of the tunnel etc.

If you actually did not know the context of the speech and just heard a part of it, you would be forgiven to think something like he seems to have taken part in a war like the movie 300, where a few hundred dudes kill a massive army. Then you would get a rude awakening that oh, he is actually talking about hitting on chicks! And no, you should not be forgiven if you try to equate the two.

What happens when you create this image of this being so epic, you start thinking this is a really hard task which I will once be able to one day, that if it feels super easy then you are doing something wrong, that hitting on chicks is not a normal thing to do, that it requires some elite level skills which only some elite coach can teach you, that if you don't have a girl friend then you should be unhappy, it undermines everything else which you have achieved in your life if you aren't getting regular sex, makes you feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with you or the way you see the world which you will have to change through an "epic journey" etc. I can probably 20 articles on what is wrong when you think of this process as an "epic journey".

When I was going out, this is one the aspects which probably hurt me the most. I heard all these people that oh it is so hard, there is a "pain period", this journey is so rewarding, that you shouldn't use crutches etc. that of course if all I did was go to a bar, get a little drunk, talked bullshit with a girl who seemed into me for whatever reason and we had sex, then of course there is nothing epic about it. How could I just focus on my dance lessons, explore random new places in the city, focus on having fun, making some friends and in the process, bang some babes?

Seriously, if anyone still think in terms of this, please stop! In my experience, I don't think I have changed much through this entire "journey". I probably dress a little better now, feel a little more comfortable expressing myself and not censoring myself too much and feel a little more comfortable physically escalating. Rejection hurts a little less now and I am a little better at identifying girls who are interested in me.

I am far from awesome. I am still fairly awkward socially, still very bad at flirting, still end up saying stupid shit in conversations and chicken out from escalating. If you went out with me, you might even think that I am this AFC. But I know that it's fine. I am who I am, and there are chicks who like me. And also, it's not like chicks are perfect! Despite all the "PUA skills" which I lack, I still do pick up babes every now and then. Also, I have plenty of fun in the process and going out is not this one big epic event where I listen to tapes which pump me up before going out, carrying protein bars in case my "energy levels" drop through the night, do war cries in the venue to "pump my state", avoid drinking because that would mean using a crutch etc.

So go out there, and have fun man! Don't put so much pressure on yourself, not with chicks at least. Accept that we are all products of our genetics and environment. Focus on things which are almost guaranteed to get you results - working out, dressing well, making friends, going out, having fun, hitting on random chicks and identifying who likes you.

And please, if you are a guy who is in shape, was in the marines, earns six figures at 23, a self made person, own a house which you paid for (or even ballpark close to this) - please, please, please take more pride in your achievements than Dj Fuji does! 

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Realistic Goals

I had not planned to write more posts, but since I got very positive feedback about this blog, I am probably going to write a few more.

In this post I want to talk about having realistic goals. This is also a total departure from what PUAs teach that no matter who you are, you can bang lots of hot chicks. I feel the few legit virgin-to-pussy heaven kind of stories that do exist in the PUA community actually hurt you more than help you as (a) the story itself is an outcome of a very strong selection bias and (b) they don't talk about the related circumstances like they had all the time in the world, they went out something like 5 hours a day for 7 days a week, they were probably willing to bang anything that moved, they somehow managed to get into a social circle like a club promoter or the like. When one reads this story, this ends up giving you false hopes, distorted perception of reality and sets you up for a fantasy which will probably not get fulfilled. This ends up hurting you a lot.

Another horrible point is usually that these guys then end up crediting their newly acquired "mad-skills" for their results, and not the fact that maybe earlier they were just not going out enough, not recognizing girls who liked them and not escalating on them.

When I moved to NY, at the time I was an almost virgin who had moved from a completely different country, lacked social skills, did not know many people etc. At this time, my focus should have been on making new friends, getting a few dates and just generally going out and talking to people. Cold approaching should have been more of a supplement than the main thing which I should have focused on. So when I did all these approaches, I lacked a cultural understanding, I lacked reference experience of having been sexually comfortable with women etc. and the only experience which I was getting with women was in fast crazy environments.

Later on, after I did detach a bit from PUA, this is the area I focused on, and this is what ended up making me happy and getting me results.

I definitely feel this a problem which a lot of people in the PUA community share. They chase after the wrong goals. Some of it arises due to the fact PUA is made out to be this super epic journey, where you battle against all odds, win by seducing lots of hot women and in the end, are declared a hero by your fellow PUA tribe members. Honestly, if people just focused on basics like making new friends, starting a couple of social hobbies and just asking girls out on dates, most of their problems would be resolved. What instead ends up happening is that a bunch of guys who are all extremely incapable socially, haven't had a girl friend or good looking female friends for a while, they team up together to go talk to hot women in relatively hostile environments.

Instead I think people should first focus on making some decently cool friends (both male and female), getting a social hobby or two, going out with them, getting a few dates from these friends or friends of friends and maybe cold approaching a bit where you focus on just having reasonable conversations. If one can't even do this much, then sleeping with hot women on a regular basis or pulling 90% of your first dates should be the last thing on your mind. Once you can do this, then focus on being more aggressive, more sexual, flirting more, making out regularly with girls in bars/clubs etc. Then sleeping with a few girls and getting some basic sexual experience. Once you can do this, then and only then, attempt to focus on becoming this mad player who can get an instant makeout from a girl surrounded by 5 AMOGs and pull her 10 minutes later into the bathroom stall.

Friday, 9 March 2012

My current situation

I intend to make this the last post of my blog, unless someone wants me to write about something specific. This is basically where things stand for me right now.

Now from reading the previous blogs, in case you thought I have become this awesome player dude, then you were wrong. I am far from one. I am a very average guy in most respects. If you had to ask me numbers, I am going to say around seven for the year, including some I might get while on vacation, which is definitely easier. This number is based on the past few months where combined average is a little more than a girl a month. However some of those were extremely lucky and random, so I have downgraded that and extrapolated to arrive at this number.

I have a high pressure job which I love, I have friends and hobbies and also like to focus on my career. Thus I don't go out crazy amounts. I am also presently living in a conservative city where cold approaching is not taken well.

The main thing now is that I don't beat myself over the fact that I may not get girls all the time. I know now its really random and severely restricted by my environment and genetics. So I don't beat myself over it. I now go about my life, and when I see women who seem to be giving me the signals, I go talk to them. You might call it a very low risk approach, but I am actually very happy with the numbers I manage with this approach. Plus, this eliminates getting tons of rejection which I definitely feel is damaging for anyone's psyche over an extended period of time.

I am focusing more on my career these days, working out, my hobbies and building a reasonable social life. When going out, my primary focus is looking good. This has had a tremendously positive effect on my love life. Also, now that I am not so focused on doing the right thing (I still tend to make this mistake a lot), social life is actually a lot more fun than it has ever been.

Admittedly, I might get more women if I consciously went out and was aggressive about my love life, but this keeps me happy. I now believe that if I just keep myself in shape, wear nice clothes, I will always have girls for me.

Honestly, that was all I ever wanted out of this whole PUA thing to begin with. I know some guys have targets like I want to bang 100 chicks, or get lots of threesomes etc. but my primary goal to begin with was just that I should not feel that getting girls is a tough job, or if the current girl goes away, I will have a very hard time getting a new girl etc. I have more than achieved that. Thus, I am happy with it.

The primary goal now is to get rid of the remaining PUA weirdness from my head and of course, banging new chicks and having fun is never boring :)

Understanding the local environment

This is another very important point which PUAs fail to mention and how PUA fills your head up with crap and makes you a social robot. This is a complete departure from the point which PUAs make that you can seduce any woman, you can get any girl on the first date etc.

Meeting women is heavily dependent on your local environment. I have realized this very explicitly because I have traveled a lot in life and have lived in many different countries. In some environments, you can approach a girl on the street, text her to meet you for a drink, she will come with you, and you can fuck her the same night. In more conservative environments, you have to approach her through a friend or very casually, text her a bit, talk on the phone for a bit, then go for a low key date, maybe then for drinks and maybe then have sex. This whole thing might play out over many weeks.

PUA made me believe that any girl can be seduced on the first date and that if she refuses, she is probably playing games with you. Not that she is super conscious herself and just not so confident. It made me believe that if i don't act super "alpha" or player-ish, she will meet another player dude who she will fuck immediately. That all girls are sluts and constantly fuck "alpha dudes".

The reality is more like so many women are constantly complaining that they never meet any decent guy forget a super well calibrated player, many girls just won't have sex outside relationships, some have gone many months and maybe more without sex, that they are much more conscious and unsure than you are, that many girls are so sensitive that if you tease them too much you will make them think of you as huge asshole (cocky funny anyone?) etc.

So even if you read some well intentioned advice from some PUA dude who says that you should move faster, its fucking you up mentally because some girls are just not comfortable with high speed. If a girl meets you regularly for dates, talks to you on phone, does not play games, and you have clearly shown sexual intentions, then it is a matter of time more than anything else.

Point is local environment is very important. So I believe the best one can do is find out a guy who is similar to you in core personality traits and who is very good with women, and hang out with him. I know this is maybe not easy to find for most guys, but this is probably the best you can do.

Having clear standards aligned with your goals

This is actually a very very important point and I want to make a detailed post about this. Its about standards.

Now I used to hear from a lot of guys that the girl they are with are very boring, or how they have to kick out a crazy girl next morning, or how most girls are super crazy, or they can't hold a conversation, or that very rarely do you get girls who were girlfriend material etc. None of this ever matched with my experiences. The few girls I had got in my life were all awesome in many ways. Good looks, good family backgrounds, good personalities etc. So I could not relate with this point.

Then I started noticing the girls which a lot of guys who were very good with women did get. A common pattern I noticed was they did not care much about their personalities, conversational ability, whether they had a nice face or not etc. The most important thing seemed to be that they had nice bodies. I was unconsciously only taking any interest in girls who were very good in every way. That of course if MUCH MUCH harder and you will have much lower success ratio.

I used to implicitly assume that girls which a lot of these guys fucked were all awesome in every way, just like my few girls were. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with fucking girls who can't talk much, but the point is, have clear standards which are aligned with your goals.

If you are just looking for random sex, don't bother so much with whether she has a cute face or not, or whether she can hold a good conversation for 20 minutes etc. Not saying you fuck just anything which does not say no, but i have noticed a lot of inexperienced guys like me tend to confuse random sex with high quality girls. They think that they should lots of random sex with lots of very high quality girls. It does not work that way.

So if you just care about having lots of sex, just look for girls who turn you on. That's it. Since I started employing this, I noticed I have been able to pull off some really crazy shit. Because you inherently don't care about these girls, (which you tend to do a lot when the girl is serious girl friend material), you go very shamelessly after your desires, which makes them even more attracted to you. Even if you lose some girls in the process, you don't really care.

Three weeks ago, I almost pulled off a threesome. In the end though, the girls said this was too much for them and instead I had sex with them individually. I think was able to go after it so shamelessly because I did not care much for these girls beyond sex.

This is a point which i feel most PUAs are not able to accept because to accept that all they are doing is just having a lower bar when fucking girls means that all the time they spent trying to learn about "game" was a complete waste.

Also, the flip side of this is that don't care when some PUA dude mentions some crazy numbers to you. Almost certainly, those girls are not super high quality. Getting super high quality women from cold approach on a regular basis, I am going to say, is impossible. Some white dudes I have seen fucking a lot of Asian girls in NY - when I told them that most Asian girls would accept a much lower quality white dude over an Asian dude for casual sex - they understandably get very defensive about it because it means that it was not much about them or their "awesome game".

If you look at some guys like Jeffy, he has pulled off some crazy shit and he is well known for fucking fatties. I have no problems with guys fucking whoever, but for anyone reading any such thing, just take everything with a grain of salt. And I am sure if someone went around telling average guys that they fuck reasonably average girls who would not say no - nobody will really praise you. They will all say, yeah dude, no biggie there, I know. But really, that's what it really is.

So yeah, have clear goals and standards aligned with those goals. And sex with some average girls is a LOT of fun as you go shamelessly after your desires and they put in a lot of effort to please you! :)

More evidence of PUA crapola

As I started distancing myself from PUA, I became increasingly frustrated at how much of a scam these guys were. By this time, this point has been beaten to death on plenty of forums and websites (Check out Aaron Sleazy for the best resource on this), but I still want to write about 4-5 which I think are very important and affect your results in a huge way.

First, looks don't matter. Again beaten to death by now, but the effects of this were very clear. I decided to get a fashion consulting session. Got a new wardrobe, started maintaining my facial hair, better grooming, new haircut. Results were blatantly obvious. I could now notice girls blatantly check me out sometimes.

Second, venue selection. Again, extremely important. To a normal guy, this may sound like no shit, sherlock - but somehow this is not obvious within PUA. I would never get anything at a frat bar kind of a place, full of loud obnoxious dudes but when I went to laid back places, with international crowds, I would do well even if my mood was very bad that day.

Third, individual goals, style and preferences. There is no one size fits all methodology. Your style, venues, type of girls etc. will vary drastically from person to person. A style of game which works for someone who has all the time in the world, loves going to loud nightclubs, has no money, looking for plenty of one-night stands, prefers crazy girls will be very different than for someone who works a hectic job, wants some peace and quiet in life, doesn't want to put lots of effort into this, just wants a reasonable girl who has a good personality. Similarly, if one person has never even held a girl's hands in life versus someone who has got 5 chicks every year for the past 7-8 years and is just looking for higher quality - these are two completely different people.

Then, success ratio. Somehow this never gets mentioned on any PUA website. It is a very important factor. For a guy like me who works a hectic job and has some hobbies as well, I can't possible go out 3 nights a week and approach every girl crazily just to get a one-night stand. There has to be a higher return on investment for me.

There is one other point which I want to emphasize about which is standards, that is extremely important. I will make a separate post about it.

Slowly detaching myself from PUA

For some reason, in spite of not getting any success, I kept at it. Part of the reason was that I kept reading random forums where people said that they too had no success for a period of time, but then everything suddenly became easier one day. So I kept at it. But no success.

One of the reasons I kept at it was that I was getting some success randomly when I did not do anything. Like when on a flight, a chick blatantly offered to take me home, when I really did not do anything. On another occasion, I felt up an older girl's pussy in a lounge. But none of these were product of any game. With the older lady, I started the conversation with "What are you drinking", talked about some other random boring shit etc. but the key point was that she was a tourist who was there to get laid.

I want to emphasize here that - a) I did not get laid from these because I somehow fucked both of these and countless others up even when girls liked me a lot due to some random stupidities on my part. b) These were not any product of game. I am not sure what to call it other than the fact that they just liked me right off. I started the conversation, after that they just kept re-engaging me showing plenty of interest.

Anyway, at some point after so many rejections from cold approaching and which is what I was focusing on, I started getting so depressed that I thought maybe girls are not for me, maybe I am secretly gay but I just don't know it (I am serious, I really did think this one night) etc. So I thought this is not worth it. Let me just go do something else.

Overall, I did not get laid even once from all this time in PUA. This was around August of 2011.

This time period detoxing is what changed it for me. I focused purely on doing things that I like. I went about exploring NY on my own. Focused on my dance lessons. Took random lessons here and there. Went out to try new bars and restaurants. Invited friends over from nearby cities. My mood starting lifting up. During this time I also met some awesome cool guys. My dance instructor used to like me a lot - she took me over the weekends to nearby cities where she taught workshops to travel with her and her friends. Everywhere I went, because this time I was just focused on enjoying and not on what I was doing, I actually started noticing for the first time all the girls who liked me.

There was also severe cognitive dissonance that my mind faced during this time. It did not make sense that so many awesome guys and girls love hanging out with me, invite me to go out with them and I kept bombing so badly at cold approach. Maybe it was "game" that was making me weird?

During this time, one night I went out to a bar with friends, there were this cute girl who was looking at me and smiling, I went up to her, chatted with her about random stuff, she was an intern in the city for the summer and and it all went so smoothly. We exchanged numbers, her friend kept telling us that we should go out together. We hooked up about a week later.This was my first hookup in NY. I then came back home.

Slowly I started distancing myself from mainstream game. I also started doing searches on google like "PUA scam", "problems with PUA" etc. and came across Aaron Sleazy once day. When I read his book debunking, and other stuff on his blog and forum, a lot of things fell into place and I gradually started detaching myself from it.

Came back from NY in late August 2011. One night my friend invited me to a party. He had two female friends with him. We drank, danced, both girls showed mad interest in me, I offered to drop both of them home, both came, dropped one first, second one told me that I should stay at her place tonight because I was too drunk to go back home, went to her place and had sex. She became my second girlfriend. Once again, I was amazed at the simplicity. We broke up a few months later as she moved to another city.

PUA coaching experience - Part 3

The next night we started in similar fashion. Two of us. Went over the previous night with the two of them. More of you're so money bro. The two of us went out and task was that before we went back to the lounge, we had to collect numbers from chicks and invite girls back to the lounge. We roamed around, approached a few girls and somehow ended up in this laid back bar. I felt awesome and alive the moment I stepped in there. The crowd was very international, I was probably younger and better dressed than a lot of guys there, people were less snobbish and it generally felt awesome. I did amazingly well there. The other guy bombed there. He did well the other night in the upscale lounge. But this was a completely different environment. (as a side note, I almost always do well there. Every night I have gone there, I have almost always done well).

I went back to the coach dudes. Told them about it. They could not believe I did so well. A couple of girls even showed up later to the lounge. Asked about this venue phenomenon. They said, yeah this lounge place is "tougher" and that I needed to step my game up for that. This was a really stupid thing to say. (I have realized that as guys, we usually don't like hearing that xyz thing is harder or beyond our reach. So whenever someone says a statement like that, you implicitly tell yourself that I am going to crack this). Plus, I sort of respected these guys so I started assuming that game is this linear thing where you keep improving ad-infinitum.

Went again to this lounge place. I bombed again. When I asked for advice, they said you need to be more "playful". No other concrete advice. I forgot to add one thing to the previous night. One of the two coaches got drunk and took a girl home. Definitely not what I paid him to do. This night I managed to isolate a girl but wanted to kiss her to I sort of lunged across. It was not smooth, and the girl left. Something similar happened with the other 2 girls from earlier in the night who showed up at the lounge.

When I asked these guys about how could I make it more smooth, they said, don't worry, keep doing it. It will automatically become more smooth over a period of time! There were lots of other red flags as well which I should have noticed. When I told these guys earlier that I feel white guys going to places like Thailand and Philippines get laid easily, they said no its not true. Its about personality and game. Then I asked if my accent, race, nationality etc. could be a potential problem. They said just own it. It's all in your head. if you don't care, the girls don't care.

There were lots of other red flags as well. No specific advice, one-size-fits-all methodology. Then they mentioned that they went out every night for almost 3 years. I now have no clue what kind of guys do such a thing. Anyway.

Next day we did some street game. I think this is what hurt me the most. Not realizing how fundamentally flawed blindly approaching girls on the street really is, we went to do it. I was seduced by the idea that not every girl goes to bars but they have to go about their daily chores. They kept harping about how awesome street game really is.

After the bootcamp, I went out and probably did 70-80 street approaches. I got probably more than 25 numbers. All flakes. Every single one of them. Asked them about it. They said - keep doing the same and one day it will all be easier! This was the final nail in the coffin.

PUA coaching experience - Part 2

I decided to hire a better coach. These guys were probably better, or so I thought. They were more expensive, dressed better, had a blog and a full fledged PUA company. Of course they were better.

I had two phone coaching sessions and one live weekend consisting of 2 nights and 1 day. Once again, I should have spotted the red flags. They never asked many details about my background on the phone, about my appearance and or what they thought my sticking points were. They just tried to impose their "FERA system" on me. Like that is the magic cure all for everything.

I sent them some FRs consisting of my night out after their phone coaching session. I was using some conversational starters which went completely against the philosophy they were teaching, but that was working brilliantly for me after I started coaching for me. Looking back, it was a placebo effect. In reality, I was doing the exact same things as before.

I told them about it, they said no this is not right. You should do the other thing which i am teaching you. Because I was not comfortable with those lines, they did not work for me. I thought I am clearly doing something wrong. So I ended up taking a live weekend with them.

Two of them. Two of us. Started the night with some drinks and we once again went into their "FERA system". No individual advice or individual attention. We ended up going to some fancy upscale lounge - I was not comfortable in that environment and thus I did not do well there. Our task for the night was to use a couple of lines they had given and try to isolate a girl. I did not do well, they said you're so money bro, no more advice, they said we'll take it tomorrow, you guys are awesome.

There were more red flags that I should have noticed. The guy with me opened the friend of a girl I was with a really awkward hey baby, how are you, do you want a drink etc. It was said very awkwardly, in PUA language he sounded very AFCish, very needy and the like. Surprisingly, the girl found him very cute, they later exchanged numbers and hooked up.

Also, before the start of the night, I had got a date fixed for next week from my dance class. Once again, I had not done anything. Chatted with the girl about the dance, about work, asked her number. Texted her that would you like to go for a drink with me - she was super excited and replied yes with plenty of exclamation marks in the text. I told these guys about it - they were like see dude, this works. This is awesome. You're so money bro. I thought at the point that hey, I did not do anything. I have no clue why she likes me and clearly I did not do anything which you guys taught. So I was not really sure why they were claiming the credit for it.

But once again, the stupid brainwashed me, did not connect the dots and still continued with this PUA shit.

PUA coaching experirnce - Part 1

Since I decided that I need to get better game, what better way than to hire a coach. I was still guy who was very careful with money, so I found an Asian guy who seemed a bit legit, and he charged me $30/hour for a one-on-one.

Going out with him was a decent intro to PUA. He was reasonably well dressed with his clothes matching the general lifestyle and personality he wanted to convey. He was also fairly aggressive. The problem was that his style and my personality were literally at the opposite ends of the spectrum. He was extremely poor, ate pizza slices to fill his stomach, loved dressing like a hippie, had plenty of time in his life etc.

Having said that, he was fairly legit. We went out, he critiqued me on my approaches, did not get too deep into minor details, suggested I join an improv class etc. Still, what he was suggesting was something that worked for him and not for me.

Again, there was some red flags where I should have realized that this PUA stuff was not worth it. He showed me pics of a lot of the girls he slept with. Most of them were girls I would not bother approaching, let alone sleep with. The random girls which had liked me, were all better than almost every single girl which he showed me. Again, I did not connect the dots that if it was just about fucking any girl which comes your way, then you don't need anything for that!

I did more approaches and more of the same stuff. Random girls liking me without doing anything. When I tried to do something, it came across very weird and nothing worked. Thus felt that I needed to better my game. Hire a better coach.

There was one good thing happening all this while in my life which kept me somewhat grounded and I think helped me get back to normal life much faster. I had a strong interest in partner dances so I joined some dance lessons. The whole environment was so different here. People were warm, many girls were gorgeous, girls usually outnumbered guys, they had good personalities and whole environment was awesome. Again, I had read on a few PUA blogs that cold approaching is much better than social circle and you don't want to come across as a creep there, thus I never bothered with girls who hit on me at class.

I should have realized that for normal guys, you won't come across as a creep. The only think you needed to do was just ASK them out on a date. That's it. They like you, they have seen you plenty of times at classes, they have seen you interact with people, they trust you quite a bit, they are comfortable with you - it's perfect. But no, I had to do this PUA shit. I wanted to feel that I have this special power. That I am above normal guys. That they don't understand what I can do, that they can't do what I do.

My Intro to PUA

At graduation, I got into a very prestigious job but that also meant working long hours. Also by this time, PUA crap had filled my head a lot and that meant I had started focusing on things to do to get girls attracted to me, than just looking out for girls who already did. My social circle also comprised of social retards, so I did not even know a guy who was getting laid a lot. Almost everyone I knew was a virgin or an almost virgin. Combine this with the fact that cold approach is not very common in my country and social life was going to be difficult after college.

I did engage myself into quite a few activities over the weekends but combination of crap in my head and having completely unrealistic standards in women, meant nothing much was going to happen. Still because I did go out a bit and put myself in enough social environments, I did go out on a few dates but nothing happened there because I was too pussy to make a move. So from the time I got the French girl, I did not get anything else till this point.

Till this point, in spite of having read a lot of PUA material - I first read something at the start of my final year of undergrad, till this point - I never actually did an official cold approach. Of course, there were plenty of situations where you are out somewhere and randomly a conversation begins, but officially I was still a typical nerd who just read books without taking any action.

Then I went to NY for a while in the beginning of Feb 2011. This was after about a year and a half out of college. My head was too deep into PUA stuff by this time, and just like everyone does, I decided "I am going to get this part of my life handled". This meant putting too much pressure on myself, made this whole thing not fun and created a problem which never existed in the first place! All I needed to do was just go out a bit (which i was doing a reasonable bit of, maybe needed a bit more) and escalate. That's it. But instead I decided to do PUA.

For an aspiring PUA, NY is this magical place like Hogwarts. You have all these forums, you can meet up with these lair guys, you have so many coaches, talks from guys you read about, people are out there doing approaches, there are so many bars, you can do street game, day game, night game, plenty of super cute girls from diverse backgrounds. I was hooked.

It was a cult like feeling that I was part of something big. A bunch of socially awkward guys coming together, going out there and seducing hot women. Inner game stuff, super duper conversational ability, awesome understanding of  "social-dynamics" and what not. The good thing about me, I guess, was that I was actually went out a lot and did plenty of approaches.

There were plenty of red-flags and once again I should have quit much sooner than I did. At the lair, a lot of the guys were super weird. A few of them were clearly suffering from deeper psychological troubles. One guy I remember had such anxiety issues so big that he had trouble talking to guys in the setting and his face would get red, and he would start taking huge deep breaths. Another started crying and said that he was not even able to go ask time from a random girl. There were a few cool guys though. Overall, hardly the set of problems which I was suffering from.

Even experiences from going out should have confirmed that whole thing was shit. I never really used any lines, no eliciting of her values, no NLP, no cocky funny, no behaving alpha, no caveman - none of that. In spite of that, there were plenty of occasions when girls liked me, when I seemingly did nothing - sometimes even did stupid shit. I remember one time after talking to a girl for long, I was drinking beer and suddenly had the urge to cough. Result was that I ended up spraying beer on the bar table from my mouth (I should emphasize that this is usually not me. I am generally a very calm and composed guy :) ). We still made out that night. However because I did not do ANYTHING, and still the girl liked me, I guess that was part of the problem. I wanted to control this thing. I wanted to feel that all this PUA stuff was helping and not that this whole thing is just totally random.

Thus, I ended up discounting all the random occasions when I did not do anything and the girl liked me, and instead focused on the ones where I did do something but nothing happened! I thus felt, I need to get better game!

Thursday, 8 March 2012

My background - part 2

After high school, I went to one of the best colleges of my country. The time spent here is what I think fucked me up the most. Before this, I always thought girls liked me, though I did not know why. In my school, people although extremely intelligent, were complete social retards. It was a big deal if you were comfortable talking to women, if you had a serious girlfriend in school - you were thought of as a rockstar. If she was very cute, well then you are a creature from another planet.

The ratio in my college was totally fucked up. Even the few girls who were there were extremely ugly and given the ratio they thought themselves to be like gods gifts on earth. Also, it was not a university which had other softer disciplines as well, so we were sort of restricted to be within our college. The four years spent here without women and with social retards, made me a social retard as well.

By the time I graduated, although it set me up very nicely in terms of my career, I thought I would never get a girl, having a girlfriend is like this super elite achievement, I am ugly, no girl wants to date a guy like me etc. I had also read a few PUA books like DavidD and Mystery in the final year of my undergrad and that reinforced these beliefs even further. If you had to do so much to have sex with a girl, clearly its very tough and no wonder I will never be able to do it.

There were plenty of instances which should convinced me otherwise. I went two summers for paid internships to Europe and US and there LOTS and LOTS of women wanted to hook up with me. Europe is where I lost my virginity. Its a miracle it actually happened. I was at a train station trying to book my ticket but was having trouble with the ticket lady because she just refused to speak any English. A local girl helped me out, I said thank you and got going. Then the same girl appeared in my cabin in the subway. We started talking. When she was getting off, I somehow mustered up the courage to ask her for a coffee. We had coffee, then we just took a walk. She took me to a park where everyone was making out. We then made out and later had sex. To be honest, this was extremely lucky because she practically did all the work. She became my first girlfriend. Overall, she was the only girl I got during college. No one else.

Telling stories from my time in US almost embarrassing. Overall, no girls from my time in US but lots of opportunities where I should have got some. At a dance lesson, there was a mexican girl who would smile at me from across the room, look into my eyes while dancing, put her hands around my neck and others would frequently tell us that we're like this cute couple. I thought it was all because I was a good dancer and she was being nice! Another girl who used to stay in opposite direction from my place, walked all the way drunk from a dance party to my place and we stood at the door of my place and I was thinking why is she still here!

Another girl at the dance party would awkwardly step on my shoes, mistakenly put her arms around my neck, tell me I am such a good dancer, drag me on to the floor, rub her ass against my crotch and I still did not do anything about it.

You get the point. I was just a clueless idiot. There were lots of such women. I think all this too would happen to anyone if you met are decent looking, dress reasonably and met enough girls in a RELAXED and trustworthy environment. Cold approach can be very hostile at times. But if you got a good social group or frequently went to dance parties, all this would happen to most people to varying degrees.

My Background - Part 1

The point of this post is to tell you about myself and my background. Just so people understand my future posts better and where I come from.

So I grew up in a relatively small city in a very conservative environment. Guys were expected to male friends and girls would have girlfriends. People would call each other girlfriend/boyfriend if they went on a few dates and talked for hours over the phones. Kissing was a fairly bid deal. Actually having sex was definitely not common. Even today, some of my school friends have never had sex with their long-time girlfriends/boyfriends.

I am also a very average guy in looks. 5'8" in height, 64 kgs weight, about 17% body fat. Fairly skinny I would say. What I always had going for myself was that I was (still am?) ridiculously intelligent. I also had reasonably good communication skills. However, I am basically an introvert and thus prefer to be in my own world.

Due do all this, I never had much interaction with the opposite sex growing up. First time I spoke to a girl on the phone was in the 8th grade. First official date in 11th grade. However, I always had girls who liked me a lot. In the 11th and 12th grade, in whatever way we would call a girlfriend (I never kissed her, we only ever held hands), my girlfriend at the time was the most popular girl of my entire small city. I really had no clue why she liked me, but she did. I would get lots of attention otherwise as well.

My problem was basically my own fears and generally being clueless. There were so many times when this girl and many others as well, visited my place, were alone with me somewhere and the like, wanted me to make a move on them but I just did not know what to do or how to do it. So basically I was a guy who had never even kissed a girl going into college.

I genuinely believe that this is the same thing which happens with every average guy. If you dress reasonably, can talk a bit, you have plenty of girls liking you. Due to us being in our own heads, we never realize it. Or because of negative beliefs, we never think that very cute girls can ever like us.


This is an introductory post describing what this blog is going to be all about. Firstly, this is not about trying to make any money, selling any products, offer any coaching, doing affiliate marketing, I am not secretly trying to be a writer, generate money through ad revenue or any such thing.

The only purpose of this blog is to share my story, my experiences with doing PUA and hopefully convince you stay away from PUA. If in the process, you can gain something useful out of it, that's great! Also, I will never preach any advice of any sort. Advice will only be in the form of logical deductions which I arrived at through my experiences.

Another point about the posts. This is going to be more a dump of my thoughts than carefully edited posts. Thus, posts may not come across very structured, may have typos, grammatical errors and the like. Please don't bash me for that. If however, due to it you have a problem clearly understanding the message, please do let me know.