Today I want to talk about one implied notion which comes across from a lot of dating advice. It's this thing that women are somehow socially perfect and that if you manage to improve your game enough, at the very least, you should get majority of the women who are interested in you. However, what is much closer to the truth is that a lot of women are just as clueless as guys when it comes to dating and that it takes two to tango.
Let me give you examples from my recent experiences. Yesterday night, I went to a stand up comedy night. There was this girl who was constantly looking at me and smiling very seductively. I also know from an acquaintance who knows her that she is single. I go to her, we chat a bit. A little later in the evening when I am about to leave, I tell her if you would like to go do XYZ activity with me this weekend. Suddenly she gets all nervous, starts giving me some BS. So I am like okay, no issue and move on.
Now, it is of course possible that I was wrong in assuming that she likes me but usually, my intuition is pretty spot on these days. So I don't know what the issue was with her, but in my view, I did my part of initiating the conversation, talking a bit and asking her out. Maybe she wanted to chat more, maybe she did not want to do some other shit - point is, every girl wants different things and you can only do so much. If the girl doesn't do her part, you can't do much.
I'll give other examples. I remember this one time in a bar, I was talking to a girl and then moved in really close. Suddenly the girl starts getting all mixed emotions and tells me in quick succession that I smell so good and about how she is still hurt because a guy of my nationality dated her, told her he is going to marry her and then later dumped her. A few days back, I was in bed with another girl watching a movie. We start getting a little cuddly, then we start making out and as I try to ramp up the physical escalation, she is like I am not sure if I want to do this, I am still hurt from some XYZ relationship, some other crap blah blah blah.
Other times, it could be an issue in much simpler aspects. You are out with some friends at some cool event, you text a girl to come over as it is going to be a lot of fun - and then she starts getting all weird and shy, starts thinking I don't know about the event, will I get along with people yada yada. I remember another time in NY when I was going for a party on a private yatch with a friend in the Hudson. It was going to be an uber fancy party, with some drop dead gorgeous people. Now in my view, it was a no brainer that if I invite someone they come. I called up a female friend who used to live close by and told her to come over. At first, she acted really pricey saying I don't know, I am really tired. In my head, I was like, really?! I asked her once more, once again she acted pricey so I was like fuck it. Suddenly when I told her ok, don't come - she is like okay I will come but I am doing this only for you and you owe me for this! I have had some friends tell me similar shit where they ask some girl out for a movie, and for no particular reason she will act really pricey and expect that the guy will ask her out 2-3 times before she will say yes.
Point is, in these situations, you can be persistent and it's quite possible that the girl will come around later but it's also very acceptable if you went like, fuck it, I don't want to deal with this shit and move on. You played your part and it takes two to tango. Yes, with experience you can sense some of what the girl wants and turn these cases around, but you can only lift so much of the weight which she should be doing. Now, this is no excuse for you to not play your part, but the point is, a lot of the times, it really isn't your fault and there is only so much you can do.
Coming back to the original point, whenever some dude tells you that you have to listen and relate with the girl, not make her appear like a slut, figure out her logistics, try to understand what she likes, text her at the right time when she is free, connect with her emotionally, organize a fun date, keep the conversation fun, don't be clingy, be persistent but not be clingy, be aggressive but don't creep her out, make statements and don't ask questions, create an "us" vibe blah blah blah - dude seriously, if you don't want to, don't bother. There is only so much you can do. If the girl is not playing her part, there is only so much you can do.
So next time, don't bother so much about being smooth. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Don't bother with if this is an appropriate time to ask her out, or should I chat with more. Should I organize a coffee date or is it okay to straight call her over for a movie at my place. Is it okay to just text "hey.. wassup.. how you doing" or should I come with something super clever. This is all another form of supplicating women. Do your bit - initiate conversations, ask for her phone number, ask her out, make a move on a date, ask her to come home etc. but don't worry about being smooth or creating the perfect moments. It takes two to tango.
Another related point. In my experience, difficult women remain difficult. You might think that okay, let pursue this girl for a while even when I don't want to because maybe, after a while, she will be all normal and easy. That usually doesn't happen.
Last point, please don't think of this post as me being a misogynist or that I "hate" women. I am just saying the truth that you can only do so much. You can't lift all the weight which she is supposed to. Also, please stop reading websites like "nerds get girls" etc. because by saying nerds, or geeks etc. - there is an implied assumption that women really know what they are doing but the truth is they are just as clueless as guys, if not more.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Monday, 7 May 2012
Building positive reference experience
Most of us will have had nights or just other times of the day where you have come back and started this negative thought loop - thinking I am not good, why the fuck am I like this, why the fuck not like this, am I going to be single for life etc. Today I want to talk about this aspect and a bit about your thought processes.
So what general community will advice for this is some random feel-good garbage or other "inner-game" shit. I am not a big believer in any of that. I feel a lot of these come down to building positive reference experiences which you can look back on (consciously or subconsciously) and say, dude that is just not true. Looking into reference experiences are valuable for many reasons but total I want to talk about the emotional side of things. Let me give you an example first.
So as I have mentioned a few times on my blog, I have very well for myself professionally, academically and the like. I graduated near top of the class in what is considered one of the toughest engineering programs in the country, I used to work for a very "prestigious" job where was I consistently one of the best performers, I have received outstandingly favorable reviews in anything work related and the like. Point is, because I have so much positive reference experiences to back myself, I rarely question myself whether I am really good work-related or not. Even if I am having an off night, my mind might say yeah dude, you are probably not very suited for this particular thing or maybe that you are not yet ready to do this particular thing. It never ever asks me if I will be ever able to earn enough money to live a reasonable life, will I ever get a job if someone fires me from my present thing etc.
Similarly with women, while earlier I used to think all these things that maybe I am too ugly, maybe I am too short, maybe I will never get women, no one likes me yada yada yada, but now that I have built up quite a few reference experiences where I look back and say dude, plenty of women like me. Because of that, if my mind ever wants to go into this negative thought cycle, some part of me is just not able to take this seriously because well, simply too many really nice women have liked me. A part of me is willing to accept that I maybe a dud at following signals a woman sends out, or I am not aggressive enough, or I just may not frequently get super hot women, but these days it rarely happens that I tell myself that oh shit, no one likes me.
What you may also realize now is why a lot indiscriminate cold approaching is just horrible for your emotional state. A typical PUA newbie has this very problem that he has too much of negative reference experience built up in his head. If he goes out and randomly approaches women without having some game plan and have some reasonable expectations, he gets rejected a lot and whole thing just further adds to his fucked up mental state.
The solution is twofold. First, know what to look for, what are realistic expectations etc.. This is what is called as living in reality. If you think that after getting enough skillz you might seduce any woman, then you will never be happy. You will be chasing after something unreal and your reference experiences will never back that up leading to too many emotional swings. If you approach taller women and get shot down regularly, then well, you do not know what to look for. I think there are 2-3 things that are important to keep in mind here. Taller women are rarely interested, it is a number's game so statistically speaking most women are not interested in you, looks are very important thus getting women who are "out of league" will generally not happen, venues are important, having something in common with the women you are seeking is important, things may not go smoothly all the time etc.
Once you know what to look for, then next step is to actually put yourself in situations and just build that experience. This is where action is important. You won't build reference experiences sitting at home or reading some book. One point is that some people might say, you are too accepting of your situation, don't want to improve, don't encourage self-improvement and that with enough doing XYZ, you might do significantly better. My point is, isn't it better to have realistic expectations so you are content and then happy when you occasionally punch above your weight or is it better to only be content when you sporadically punch above your weight?
Once you have enough reference experience and the right metrics, you will just stop having these random emotional ups and downs. I haven't had those for a while now. You will just not be able to take your mind seriously when it might try to go into one of those self-destructive thought loops because you will be like, dude, that is just not true.
So what general community will advice for this is some random feel-good garbage or other "inner-game" shit. I am not a big believer in any of that. I feel a lot of these come down to building positive reference experiences which you can look back on (consciously or subconsciously) and say, dude that is just not true. Looking into reference experiences are valuable for many reasons but total I want to talk about the emotional side of things. Let me give you an example first.
So as I have mentioned a few times on my blog, I have very well for myself professionally, academically and the like. I graduated near top of the class in what is considered one of the toughest engineering programs in the country, I used to work for a very "prestigious" job where was I consistently one of the best performers, I have received outstandingly favorable reviews in anything work related and the like. Point is, because I have so much positive reference experiences to back myself, I rarely question myself whether I am really good work-related or not. Even if I am having an off night, my mind might say yeah dude, you are probably not very suited for this particular thing or maybe that you are not yet ready to do this particular thing. It never ever asks me if I will be ever able to earn enough money to live a reasonable life, will I ever get a job if someone fires me from my present thing etc.
Similarly with women, while earlier I used to think all these things that maybe I am too ugly, maybe I am too short, maybe I will never get women, no one likes me yada yada yada, but now that I have built up quite a few reference experiences where I look back and say dude, plenty of women like me. Because of that, if my mind ever wants to go into this negative thought cycle, some part of me is just not able to take this seriously because well, simply too many really nice women have liked me. A part of me is willing to accept that I maybe a dud at following signals a woman sends out, or I am not aggressive enough, or I just may not frequently get super hot women, but these days it rarely happens that I tell myself that oh shit, no one likes me.
What you may also realize now is why a lot indiscriminate cold approaching is just horrible for your emotional state. A typical PUA newbie has this very problem that he has too much of negative reference experience built up in his head. If he goes out and randomly approaches women without having some game plan and have some reasonable expectations, he gets rejected a lot and whole thing just further adds to his fucked up mental state.
The solution is twofold. First, know what to look for, what are realistic expectations etc.. This is what is called as living in reality. If you think that after getting enough skillz you might seduce any woman, then you will never be happy. You will be chasing after something unreal and your reference experiences will never back that up leading to too many emotional swings. If you approach taller women and get shot down regularly, then well, you do not know what to look for. I think there are 2-3 things that are important to keep in mind here. Taller women are rarely interested, it is a number's game so statistically speaking most women are not interested in you, looks are very important thus getting women who are "out of league" will generally not happen, venues are important, having something in common with the women you are seeking is important, things may not go smoothly all the time etc.
Once you know what to look for, then next step is to actually put yourself in situations and just build that experience. This is where action is important. You won't build reference experiences sitting at home or reading some book. One point is that some people might say, you are too accepting of your situation, don't want to improve, don't encourage self-improvement and that with enough doing XYZ, you might do significantly better. My point is, isn't it better to have realistic expectations so you are content and then happy when you occasionally punch above your weight or is it better to only be content when you sporadically punch above your weight?
Once you have enough reference experience and the right metrics, you will just stop having these random emotional ups and downs. I haven't had those for a while now. You will just not be able to take your mind seriously when it might try to go into one of those self-destructive thought loops because you will be like, dude, that is just not true.
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Who defines your self-esteem?
I want to talk about self-esteem today and how PUA community gives totally fucked up ideas on this one. Lets start with the example of Dj Fuji. He frequently in his talks says how at 20 something, he was in the Marines, was earning tons of money, in very good physical condition, was a home-owner blah blah blah but he felt like shit, because he couldn't get chicks. This story may not be as dramatically put by other scam artists, err, pick up artists, but it is similar.
It's basically that everything which I or anyone has done in life is bullshit, if you are not able to bang hot 18-22 year old women. I remember reading Roosh sometime and he had a post where he was making fun of some doctor dude who since he was unable to bang hot pussy on a regular basis, Roosh thought he was stupid. There are other dudes who since they are now able to bang 20 year olds, suddenly feel top of the world.
My point is, defining your self-esteem on what some 18-20 year old women think about you, is so beyond stupid that it is not even funny. Let me share with you some comments which some 18-20 year old women have made. One girl asked me why I went to the best engineering school of my country when it is so boring there and that I should have gone to some other XYZPartySchool instead. Another 21 year old girl was telling me about some "absolutely essential" qualities a guy must have before she would date him - 6" feet tall (she is 5'3"), good looking, fairly rich, well traveled, independent thinker, from a ivy-league type college, should not be possessive etc. You get the drift. I can go on and on and on about these examples. (I happen to have a few female cousins in the age bracket 18-21, so I meet a lot of them and their friends)
Barring like 0.1% of them, most of them are so beyond immature that seriously thinking about what they say or decide to do is completely stupid. Now imagine the typical PUA who bases his self-esteem on how many club chicks or other teenage hotties he is able to fuck. In light of my arguments above, how intelligent does this idea sound to you? If I were to do this, then all the things I have achieved in life (And I do think I have achieved a fair bit in life by any metric) is all nothing compared to some struggling bar tender who has banged a 100 chicks?
Now think about your average PUA. He goes around clubs and bars, getting rejected by random women. He focuses on self-improvement so that he can bang chicks. He learns how to tell stories properly. He learn how to do "role-plays", he learns "NLP" and not sure what other fucked up shit he does. He goes through emotional ups and downs. He glamorizes the "journey" to an unimaginable degree saying it is rewarding beyond belief. Spend tens of hours every week over many months and years, all for what!? So that he can get validated by some teenage or near teenage girls? Is that really what you want to work for - the validation of teenage girls?
There are other super stupid statements which people make - "if you don't fuck chicks then your genes will not be passed on" (something to this effect. I think this was made by Mystery). Point is man, there is a lot more to life than fucking teenage girls. I hope to god that you don't let your mood, life, self-esteem, conversational ability etc. be defined by what they think of you.
It's basically that everything which I or anyone has done in life is bullshit, if you are not able to bang hot 18-22 year old women. I remember reading Roosh sometime and he had a post where he was making fun of some doctor dude who since he was unable to bang hot pussy on a regular basis, Roosh thought he was stupid. There are other dudes who since they are now able to bang 20 year olds, suddenly feel top of the world.
My point is, defining your self-esteem on what some 18-20 year old women think about you, is so beyond stupid that it is not even funny. Let me share with you some comments which some 18-20 year old women have made. One girl asked me why I went to the best engineering school of my country when it is so boring there and that I should have gone to some other XYZPartySchool instead. Another 21 year old girl was telling me about some "absolutely essential" qualities a guy must have before she would date him - 6" feet tall (she is 5'3"), good looking, fairly rich, well traveled, independent thinker, from a ivy-league type college, should not be possessive etc. You get the drift. I can go on and on and on about these examples. (I happen to have a few female cousins in the age bracket 18-21, so I meet a lot of them and their friends)
Barring like 0.1% of them, most of them are so beyond immature that seriously thinking about what they say or decide to do is completely stupid. Now imagine the typical PUA who bases his self-esteem on how many club chicks or other teenage hotties he is able to fuck. In light of my arguments above, how intelligent does this idea sound to you? If I were to do this, then all the things I have achieved in life (And I do think I have achieved a fair bit in life by any metric) is all nothing compared to some struggling bar tender who has banged a 100 chicks?
Now think about your average PUA. He goes around clubs and bars, getting rejected by random women. He focuses on self-improvement so that he can bang chicks. He learns how to tell stories properly. He learn how to do "role-plays", he learns "NLP" and not sure what other fucked up shit he does. He goes through emotional ups and downs. He glamorizes the "journey" to an unimaginable degree saying it is rewarding beyond belief. Spend tens of hours every week over many months and years, all for what!? So that he can get validated by some teenage or near teenage girls? Is that really what you want to work for - the validation of teenage girls?
There are other super stupid statements which people make - "if you don't fuck chicks then your genes will not be passed on" (something to this effect. I think this was made by Mystery). Point is man, there is a lot more to life than fucking teenage girls. I hope to god that you don't let your mood, life, self-esteem, conversational ability etc. be defined by what they think of you.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Boyfriends and One-night stands
I want to write about a set of items which seems to be very commonly preached throughout the PUA community but something which I have never quite understood. It's this obsession with one-night stands, not being slotted into a "boyfriend" role, not wanting to spend any money on dates, not wanting to go out on dates, wanting super fast lays and the like.
Lets talk about my own experiences first. So till date, I have had 3 one-night stands. Two of these were when I was on vacation and one was a local thing where the girl had a fiancee in another country and who just wanted to get laid for a night. Other than these, every other girl I have ever got, I have entered into some sort of a "relationship" with. Most of the time it's a casual/open type of a relationship where we meet each other periodically, have fun and have sex. I genuinely enjoy spending time with these women. I don't understand why one would want to have sex with a girl just once, when it is the initial effort which is the largest. I can imagine it maybe fine for a guy who has all the time in the world, or you are on vacation - but otherwise, why wouldn't you want a regular girl who you enjoy?
I similarly don't understand why guys don't want girlfriends. Seriously, what exactly is wrong with having a girl who is fun, whose company you enjoy, who introduces you to a bunch of people and who you can have sex with at least semi-regularly? You know just because you are in a "relationship", doesn't mean you can never flirt with another woman ever in your life, nor does it mean you have to get married to her or have kids with her. Do you rather prefer going out and playing the numbers game constantly?
Then not wanting to spend money on dates. I understand that one shouldn't feel the need to necessarily take girls out on expensive dates but if you do make decent money (which I do), what's the problem with spending some cash? There are plenty of places I really enjoy which are slightly on the expensive side. Of course, I never do a date where end of night I end up resenting the amount of money I spent, but I personally don't mind spending some extra cash if it means having more fun. Given the choice between spending very little and going to a place I don't particularly enjoy and where my entire night is riding on whether I end up fucking her or not, versus spending a bit more and going to a place I know I enjoy irrespective of the girl, then I would certainly pick the latter.
Then not wanting to go out on dates and always wanting super fast lays. I wrote about this in an earlier blog post titled "understanding the local environment", but point is a) Fast lays don't always work and it depends heavily on the girl, b) Once again, sorry for repeating myself, what is the problem if you have to wait a bit longer to have sex with a girl if you enjoyed the whole time on the date as well? I guess a lot of these issues are related to the point where either guys think you need to "practice going out on dates" (very commonly preached), or you end up only getting a one-night stand and not regular sex from these dates, or you don't enjoy the girl or don't enjoy the actual date itself, but if you do - what is the problem with going out on an extra date or two? There are some random girls who do play games which you should definitely get rid of, also, going out on dates and having fun should not be an excuse to not escalate on girls, but barring that, I don't see the issue.
Anyway, to conclude, this was a post where I just put down some random thought which I had on a bunch of random topics. Point is, as I have been repeating myself a bit, do what you enjoy and not what some random internet dude is telling you especially if you don't relate with what he is saying. Of course, don't make these an excuse to not escalate, but other than that, if a certain thing feels right, then just do it. Don't listen to stupid internet dating advice.
Lets talk about my own experiences first. So till date, I have had 3 one-night stands. Two of these were when I was on vacation and one was a local thing where the girl had a fiancee in another country and who just wanted to get laid for a night. Other than these, every other girl I have ever got, I have entered into some sort of a "relationship" with. Most of the time it's a casual/open type of a relationship where we meet each other periodically, have fun and have sex. I genuinely enjoy spending time with these women. I don't understand why one would want to have sex with a girl just once, when it is the initial effort which is the largest. I can imagine it maybe fine for a guy who has all the time in the world, or you are on vacation - but otherwise, why wouldn't you want a regular girl who you enjoy?
I similarly don't understand why guys don't want girlfriends. Seriously, what exactly is wrong with having a girl who is fun, whose company you enjoy, who introduces you to a bunch of people and who you can have sex with at least semi-regularly? You know just because you are in a "relationship", doesn't mean you can never flirt with another woman ever in your life, nor does it mean you have to get married to her or have kids with her. Do you rather prefer going out and playing the numbers game constantly?
Then not wanting to spend money on dates. I understand that one shouldn't feel the need to necessarily take girls out on expensive dates but if you do make decent money (which I do), what's the problem with spending some cash? There are plenty of places I really enjoy which are slightly on the expensive side. Of course, I never do a date where end of night I end up resenting the amount of money I spent, but I personally don't mind spending some extra cash if it means having more fun. Given the choice between spending very little and going to a place I don't particularly enjoy and where my entire night is riding on whether I end up fucking her or not, versus spending a bit more and going to a place I know I enjoy irrespective of the girl, then I would certainly pick the latter.
Then not wanting to go out on dates and always wanting super fast lays. I wrote about this in an earlier blog post titled "understanding the local environment", but point is a) Fast lays don't always work and it depends heavily on the girl, b) Once again, sorry for repeating myself, what is the problem if you have to wait a bit longer to have sex with a girl if you enjoyed the whole time on the date as well? I guess a lot of these issues are related to the point where either guys think you need to "practice going out on dates" (very commonly preached), or you end up only getting a one-night stand and not regular sex from these dates, or you don't enjoy the girl or don't enjoy the actual date itself, but if you do - what is the problem with going out on an extra date or two? There are some random girls who do play games which you should definitely get rid of, also, going out on dates and having fun should not be an excuse to not escalate on girls, but barring that, I don't see the issue.
Anyway, to conclude, this was a post where I just put down some random thought which I had on a bunch of random topics. Point is, as I have been repeating myself a bit, do what you enjoy and not what some random internet dude is telling you especially if you don't relate with what he is saying. Of course, don't make these an excuse to not escalate, but other than that, if a certain thing feels right, then just do it. Don't listen to stupid internet dating advice.
Thursday, 26 April 2012
PUA for the totally clueless guy
There have been some comments lately on Sleazy's blog from guys who are either totally clueless themselves (or think of themselves in those terms) about how Sleazy and some other guys are just arrogant, not understanding of the like and can't relate to other guys who are totally clueless themselves. I can understand a lot of what they are saying as I was totally utterly clueless once. This is just a guide to share some details about my story, and how I went about it, and how potentially a guy like that could go about it.
So as I have written before in My background that I came from a very conservative family. In college, I barely had any female interaction. At the end of my junior year I went to US to work for the summer. It was here that I took my first ever salsa lessons. You may not believe when I say this, but I almost did not go there. I had paid the money in advance, yes 10 minutes before the start of the lesson, I was so uncomfortable that I almost did not go. It was a huge mental battle where I walked to the class, then went back because of anxiety and then finally did go to the class.
I was so anxious - anxious about my dance abilities (everyone always told me I was a pathetic dancer), anxious about meeting new girls, dancing with them, then I had these fucked up notions about what salsa dancing is supposed to be like etc. When I went there, before the start of the lesson I was so anxious that when the female instructor there (She was so hot - her name was Eva. I still remember her so clearly) said hi, how are you, I couldn't even reply back. Once of the key points was that as soon as the lesson started, I realized everyone was also anxious because no one knew how to dance. Also, the instructor was very sympathetic, the music was good, they made us laugh and I felt a lot more comfortable.
After that I went to my first salsa party. You once again may not believe this, but before this night, I had never been to a club before in my life. A couple of bars, yes, but never a club or a dance party before in my life. I was so fucking tensed that the whole night, I did not dance with a girl. Towards the end of the night, I danced with a girl a bit and this was my first dance night. I can go on and on with my stories but the point I want to make is, I have been there. I understand. And although I don't want to make it into a who-came-from-a-more-fucked-up-background-contest, but trust me when I say this, very few guys will come from a more fucked up place than I did.
Anyway, looking back, had I got into PUA at this stage, dude, honestly, I don't know how badly would I have got fucked up. The problems for me, or for anyone in a similar position, is not chicks related! It is about general anxiety. Guys like this (which includes me) have just not been social enough, outgoing enough, never had enough regular cool outgoing friends, we never learned to dress properly, never learned to just get comfortable around women or even other random guys for that matter, never went out with enough female friends, never talked to enough of them as regular people etc.
Overcoming all of this itself is an achievement and which is what you should be focused on. Just start going out a bit. Talk to a few people. Get enrolled in some hobbies. Start going a bit, even if it is alone. Make a few friends etc. Once you can do this at least to some extent, yes, you will miss lots and lots of opportunities with women along the way, then start worrying about focusing on seriously dating women.
This is exactly what Sleazy calls as foundations. Once you can do this, then slowly you will start noticing that some women are being a little too friendly, or are sitting in a corner and talking to you for half hour at a dance party, or are smiling too much and standing too close while talking to you, or keep giving you suggestive eye contact etc. It will happen. No, I am not special that it happens to me.
I know I used to think at one point that there is no way chicks will ever like me for who I am. Of course, I need to do a lot of random shit because otherwise, clearly, I am very unattractive. I remember being completely honest with myself once that if I had a naked girl on my couch, I still probably wouldn't know what to do.
People like this have other issues. First get your foundations sorted. Then worry about your dating life. After that once you have been a couple dozen dates, advice like do warm approaches to get chicks, and which are warm signals will start being obvious to you as well.
So as I have written before in My background that I came from a very conservative family. In college, I barely had any female interaction. At the end of my junior year I went to US to work for the summer. It was here that I took my first ever salsa lessons. You may not believe when I say this, but I almost did not go there. I had paid the money in advance, yes 10 minutes before the start of the lesson, I was so uncomfortable that I almost did not go. It was a huge mental battle where I walked to the class, then went back because of anxiety and then finally did go to the class.
I was so anxious - anxious about my dance abilities (everyone always told me I was a pathetic dancer), anxious about meeting new girls, dancing with them, then I had these fucked up notions about what salsa dancing is supposed to be like etc. When I went there, before the start of the lesson I was so anxious that when the female instructor there (She was so hot - her name was Eva. I still remember her so clearly) said hi, how are you, I couldn't even reply back. Once of the key points was that as soon as the lesson started, I realized everyone was also anxious because no one knew how to dance. Also, the instructor was very sympathetic, the music was good, they made us laugh and I felt a lot more comfortable.
After that I went to my first salsa party. You once again may not believe this, but before this night, I had never been to a club before in my life. A couple of bars, yes, but never a club or a dance party before in my life. I was so fucking tensed that the whole night, I did not dance with a girl. Towards the end of the night, I danced with a girl a bit and this was my first dance night. I can go on and on with my stories but the point I want to make is, I have been there. I understand. And although I don't want to make it into a who-came-from-a-more-fucked-up-background-contest, but trust me when I say this, very few guys will come from a more fucked up place than I did.
Anyway, looking back, had I got into PUA at this stage, dude, honestly, I don't know how badly would I have got fucked up. The problems for me, or for anyone in a similar position, is not chicks related! It is about general anxiety. Guys like this (which includes me) have just not been social enough, outgoing enough, never had enough regular cool outgoing friends, we never learned to dress properly, never learned to just get comfortable around women or even other random guys for that matter, never went out with enough female friends, never talked to enough of them as regular people etc.
Overcoming all of this itself is an achievement and which is what you should be focused on. Just start going out a bit. Talk to a few people. Get enrolled in some hobbies. Start going a bit, even if it is alone. Make a few friends etc. Once you can do this at least to some extent, yes, you will miss lots and lots of opportunities with women along the way, then start worrying about focusing on seriously dating women.
This is exactly what Sleazy calls as foundations. Once you can do this, then slowly you will start noticing that some women are being a little too friendly, or are sitting in a corner and talking to you for half hour at a dance party, or are smiling too much and standing too close while talking to you, or keep giving you suggestive eye contact etc. It will happen. No, I am not special that it happens to me.
I know I used to think at one point that there is no way chicks will ever like me for who I am. Of course, I need to do a lot of random shit because otherwise, clearly, I am very unattractive. I remember being completely honest with myself once that if I had a naked girl on my couch, I still probably wouldn't know what to do.
People like this have other issues. First get your foundations sorted. Then worry about your dating life. After that once you have been a couple dozen dates, advice like do warm approaches to get chicks, and which are warm signals will start being obvious to you as well.
Monday, 16 April 2012
PUA for the average guy
Recently, Sleazy wrote an article on why cold approaching is almost useless. It seems to have generated a huge buzz (check here, here and comments of the original post itself). Most people disagreeing with it seem to have completely missed the point of the post which is that you shouldn't approach strangers indiscriminately. Either approach people who seem open in general or people who seem interested in specifically you. Don't approach randomly.
Since I believe it is a very important topic, I want to write a bit more about it. Now, before someone accuses me of being a Sleazy fanboy (feel free to do so if you want to), I would appreciate if you read this post and just reflect on your own experiences.
This is another point which PUA community seems to miss completely (By now I have said this statement so many times) and that is, who is the target audience. To give a background, by a lot of different statistics, average number of sexual partners is around 7, in a LIFETIME. (Just as a side note, some surveys say average for guys and girls are different. Assuming a large fraction of sex is done between one man and one woman, and that number of men and women around the world are roughly similar, theoretically, this number should be the same). Generally average is influenced heavily by outliers, therefore, the median is probably lower. I will let you draw your own conclusions from these basic stats but it is safe to say that fucking 20 new women a year is far from the thoughts of any average guy.
Now I like to think of myself as an average guy with relatively modest goals. My whole thing with PUA was that I wanted to feel more comfortable and confident about my love life and around women, bang a few women here and there, and then settle down with a high quality girl. I think it's safe to say most guys too have similar ambitions.
All the stuff which I have shared on this blog and spirit of Sleazy's post is in a similar light. It is all meant for the average guy. It is not necessarily for the guy who wants to fuck a new woman a week. I believe even for a guy like that this advice is well suited, but I can't say for sure because I am not that guy.
Now to become a guy who gets a few high quality women a year (As a side note, most women most PUAs get are far from quality but that's a separate point), you really do not need to get to a stage where you have absolutely zero approach anxiety, social anxiety and sexual anxiety, you do not need to be able to get 5 make outs every time you go out, where you are completely immune to rejection, where you are able to approach the hardest sets, where you can convert 90% of your first dates, have sex with every girl within an hour of getting to know her, where you know how give a girl 10 orgasms in 20 minutes etc.
Simply going out a bit, pursuing hobbies, having fun with friends and asking girls who seem interested in you out on dates, you should be more than good to go. This is what most average guys want anyway. It's one thing to say that you are out for some work or something else, see a girl you like and so you try to chat her up, but constantly going out with the sole purpose of meeting women is not something which I would recommend for anyone.
The primarily value of cold approaching as I see it is that it shows you that you can actually approach strangers. This aspect of your personality is also much better cultivated in a warmer scenario because people are much more friendly. It's high time people realize that it takes two to tango.
Also if you are never able to get dates from your social circle or warm approaches, then generally speaking, your problems are not girls related. It is almost certainly something else. So before you do anything else, literally handle your basics first. Once you can do the basic stuff first and are able to get a few girls from there (basically achieve average guy goals), then go do whatever the fuck you want. However, I have a strong feeling that if people actually did this, most of them would actually not bother with PUA after that.
Since I believe it is a very important topic, I want to write a bit more about it. Now, before someone accuses me of being a Sleazy fanboy (feel free to do so if you want to), I would appreciate if you read this post and just reflect on your own experiences.
This is another point which PUA community seems to miss completely (By now I have said this statement so many times) and that is, who is the target audience. To give a background, by a lot of different statistics, average number of sexual partners is around 7, in a LIFETIME. (Just as a side note, some surveys say average for guys and girls are different. Assuming a large fraction of sex is done between one man and one woman, and that number of men and women around the world are roughly similar, theoretically, this number should be the same). Generally average is influenced heavily by outliers, therefore, the median is probably lower. I will let you draw your own conclusions from these basic stats but it is safe to say that fucking 20 new women a year is far from the thoughts of any average guy.
Now I like to think of myself as an average guy with relatively modest goals. My whole thing with PUA was that I wanted to feel more comfortable and confident about my love life and around women, bang a few women here and there, and then settle down with a high quality girl. I think it's safe to say most guys too have similar ambitions.
All the stuff which I have shared on this blog and spirit of Sleazy's post is in a similar light. It is all meant for the average guy. It is not necessarily for the guy who wants to fuck a new woman a week. I believe even for a guy like that this advice is well suited, but I can't say for sure because I am not that guy.
Now to become a guy who gets a few high quality women a year (As a side note, most women most PUAs get are far from quality but that's a separate point), you really do not need to get to a stage where you have absolutely zero approach anxiety, social anxiety and sexual anxiety, you do not need to be able to get 5 make outs every time you go out, where you are completely immune to rejection, where you are able to approach the hardest sets, where you can convert 90% of your first dates, have sex with every girl within an hour of getting to know her, where you know how give a girl 10 orgasms in 20 minutes etc.
Simply going out a bit, pursuing hobbies, having fun with friends and asking girls who seem interested in you out on dates, you should be more than good to go. This is what most average guys want anyway. It's one thing to say that you are out for some work or something else, see a girl you like and so you try to chat her up, but constantly going out with the sole purpose of meeting women is not something which I would recommend for anyone.
The primarily value of cold approaching as I see it is that it shows you that you can actually approach strangers. This aspect of your personality is also much better cultivated in a warmer scenario because people are much more friendly. It's high time people realize that it takes two to tango.
Also if you are never able to get dates from your social circle or warm approaches, then generally speaking, your problems are not girls related. It is almost certainly something else. So before you do anything else, literally handle your basics first. Once you can do the basic stuff first and are able to get a few girls from there (basically achieve average guy goals), then go do whatever the fuck you want. However, I have a strong feeling that if people actually did this, most of them would actually not bother with PUA after that.
Friday, 13 April 2012
To all those who are skeptical of anti-PUAs
Recently there have been a couple of instances where I have been in part of a debate of pro-PUA vs anti-PUA people. This just made me want to write a post about my own experiences and how I too was pro-PUA at the beginning, how I grew slowly skeptical and how slowly but surely, I converted to completely dropping anything game related.
To those of you who read the first 10 odd posts - you broadly know my story and what set of experiences led me to where I stand today with my view on PUA. I want to talk about a slightly different angle of this. This is primarily aimed at people who are honestly trying to figure this shit out for themselves, maybe see that there is something wrong with PUA but feel people like Aaron Sleazy or the website seductionmyth.com is too extreme with it's views and that there is still some validity in at least some of the stuff which PUAs teach. I assure you there is none but I just want to talk about this for a bit.
So I am someone who never seriously indulged in routines, eliciting of her values or any of the other crap which PUAs teach. However, whenever I would use something, it would never really work. I got lots of numbers right from day 1 of cold approaching but never got anywhere with them. Ironically, times when I went the farthest with chicks was when I completely dropped game altogether and just continued talking normally to a girl who showed a lot of interest right from the beginning, contributed heavily in the interaction herself, was willing to sit with me ignoring her friends for a while etc.
When I first came across Sleazy and 60, the very first time I read them, I too thought they were too extreme. Sleazy says in Debunking that work out, dress well, be a normal social guy with friends and hobbies, pick an environment where you are comfortable and don't fuck it up with girls who like you. 60 says approach lots of girls, look for a girl who doesn't reject you and escalate fast and heavy. That's all.
PUA community says these guys have "internalized" all the other skills so for them all this is irrelevant, but for a guy who is starting out, all the stuff they teach is important. After having a lot of the experiences I talked about earlier in this blog, I realized that there is quite a bit of merit to what Sleazy was saying but I still thought he was too extreme.
I thought there was value in stuff like doing role plays, creating the us vibe, learning how to tell good stories with emotional high and low points, make statements and never ask questions, focusing on self-improvement, inner-game, being super playful and not getting all serious, not handing out too many compliments, sending playful text messages, being a non-reactive "alpha-male" and the like. I thought maybe all this was obvious to a guy like Sleazy, but clearly I am not that good.
Then I had other experiences. In trying to be clever about what to say, teasing girls, being non-reactive to situations, focusing on self-improvement - I lost a few friends because they just thought I was being weird, there were a few instances where I did everything opposite of conventional wisdom and girls loved me (I wrote a post about this - you need to do too much). Also, I thought back to my high school days where I was this very simple innocent guy who complimented women genuinely like crazy, did a lot of AFC beta stuff, but a lot of gorgeous girls used to love me. Also, a lot of this stuff never felt natural. So I decided to drop a lot of this and started doing whatever the fuck I wanted. I was almost instantly happier and felt a lot more peaceful as a result.
By this time, a lot of this stuff had me think that absolutely nothing from PUA advice is worth it. One final thing - and this one hit me a lot - was when I saw a couple of famous PUAs talking about their current hot girl but when I met them, they were very very average. I must have turned down tens and twenties of girls of that type. This one made me really see the scam that PUA really is. At this point, I was like Sleazy is almost 100% correct that there is literally nothing about game which is useful. Interestingly, when I read Debunking again recently, I found myself agreeing 100% with everything written there when earlier, I was like yeah I agree but that Sleazy was being too extreme.
To conclude, if you think a lot of anti-PUAs are angry, bitter, preach prostitution over tons of cold approaching for rich guys, are probably not successful with girls, or they have "internalized" a lot of skills or anything else - please think again. A lot of us really just see this whole thing for what it really is. You may not agree with everything written by anti-PUAs, but slowly if you reflect on your own experiences, you will too. It's okay if you don't right now. I know I didn't at the beginning. If you are in the stage right now that you are fully immersed into PUA advice, think it is the solution to your love life - at the very least just drop in and read posts and comments at Aaron Sleazy and seductionmyth. Also remember that these guys are not selling anything. (You can argue here that Sleazy too makes money from this as he sells books and coaching, but given the smart guy Sleazy is, if he wanted to make lots of money from it, he is certainly doing a piss poor job of marketing it).
So for your own sake, read Sleazy and seductionmyth once in a while. Read what people have to say there. Maybe even try what they are proposing. Try to be a bit objective about your experiences. Slowly, you too will come to the exact same conclusions.
To those of you who read the first 10 odd posts - you broadly know my story and what set of experiences led me to where I stand today with my view on PUA. I want to talk about a slightly different angle of this. This is primarily aimed at people who are honestly trying to figure this shit out for themselves, maybe see that there is something wrong with PUA but feel people like Aaron Sleazy or the website seductionmyth.com is too extreme with it's views and that there is still some validity in at least some of the stuff which PUAs teach. I assure you there is none but I just want to talk about this for a bit.
So I am someone who never seriously indulged in routines, eliciting of her values or any of the other crap which PUAs teach. However, whenever I would use something, it would never really work. I got lots of numbers right from day 1 of cold approaching but never got anywhere with them. Ironically, times when I went the farthest with chicks was when I completely dropped game altogether and just continued talking normally to a girl who showed a lot of interest right from the beginning, contributed heavily in the interaction herself, was willing to sit with me ignoring her friends for a while etc.
When I first came across Sleazy and 60, the very first time I read them, I too thought they were too extreme. Sleazy says in Debunking that work out, dress well, be a normal social guy with friends and hobbies, pick an environment where you are comfortable and don't fuck it up with girls who like you. 60 says approach lots of girls, look for a girl who doesn't reject you and escalate fast and heavy. That's all.
PUA community says these guys have "internalized" all the other skills so for them all this is irrelevant, but for a guy who is starting out, all the stuff they teach is important. After having a lot of the experiences I talked about earlier in this blog, I realized that there is quite a bit of merit to what Sleazy was saying but I still thought he was too extreme.
I thought there was value in stuff like doing role plays, creating the us vibe, learning how to tell good stories with emotional high and low points, make statements and never ask questions, focusing on self-improvement, inner-game, being super playful and not getting all serious, not handing out too many compliments, sending playful text messages, being a non-reactive "alpha-male" and the like. I thought maybe all this was obvious to a guy like Sleazy, but clearly I am not that good.
Then I had other experiences. In trying to be clever about what to say, teasing girls, being non-reactive to situations, focusing on self-improvement - I lost a few friends because they just thought I was being weird, there were a few instances where I did everything opposite of conventional wisdom and girls loved me (I wrote a post about this - you need to do too much). Also, I thought back to my high school days where I was this very simple innocent guy who complimented women genuinely like crazy, did a lot of AFC beta stuff, but a lot of gorgeous girls used to love me. Also, a lot of this stuff never felt natural. So I decided to drop a lot of this and started doing whatever the fuck I wanted. I was almost instantly happier and felt a lot more peaceful as a result.
By this time, a lot of this stuff had me think that absolutely nothing from PUA advice is worth it. One final thing - and this one hit me a lot - was when I saw a couple of famous PUAs talking about their current hot girl but when I met them, they were very very average. I must have turned down tens and twenties of girls of that type. This one made me really see the scam that PUA really is. At this point, I was like Sleazy is almost 100% correct that there is literally nothing about game which is useful. Interestingly, when I read Debunking again recently, I found myself agreeing 100% with everything written there when earlier, I was like yeah I agree but that Sleazy was being too extreme.
To conclude, if you think a lot of anti-PUAs are angry, bitter, preach prostitution over tons of cold approaching for rich guys, are probably not successful with girls, or they have "internalized" a lot of skills or anything else - please think again. A lot of us really just see this whole thing for what it really is. You may not agree with everything written by anti-PUAs, but slowly if you reflect on your own experiences, you will too. It's okay if you don't right now. I know I didn't at the beginning. If you are in the stage right now that you are fully immersed into PUA advice, think it is the solution to your love life - at the very least just drop in and read posts and comments at Aaron Sleazy and seductionmyth. Also remember that these guys are not selling anything. (You can argue here that Sleazy too makes money from this as he sells books and coaching, but given the smart guy Sleazy is, if he wanted to make lots of money from it, he is certainly doing a piss poor job of marketing it).
So for your own sake, read Sleazy and seductionmyth once in a while. Read what people have to say there. Maybe even try what they are proposing. Try to be a bit objective about your experiences. Slowly, you too will come to the exact same conclusions.
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