Thursday, 26 April 2012

PUA for the totally clueless guy

There have been some comments lately on Sleazy's blog from guys who are either totally clueless themselves (or think of themselves in those terms) about how Sleazy and some other guys are just arrogant, not understanding of the like and can't relate to other guys who are totally clueless themselves. I can understand a lot of what they are saying as I was totally utterly clueless once. This is just a guide to share some details about my story, and how I went about it, and how potentially a guy like that could go about it.

So as I have written before in My background that I came from a very conservative family. In college, I barely had any female interaction. At the end of my junior year I went to US to work for the summer. It was here that I took my first ever salsa lessons. You may not believe when I say this, but I almost did not go there. I had paid the money in advance, yes 10 minutes before the start of the lesson, I was so uncomfortable that I almost did not go. It was a huge mental battle where I walked to the class, then went back because of anxiety and then finally did go to the class.

I was so anxious - anxious about my dance abilities (everyone always told me I was a pathetic dancer), anxious about meeting new girls, dancing with them, then I had these fucked up notions about what salsa dancing is supposed to be like etc. When I went there, before the start of the lesson I was so anxious that when the female instructor there (She was so hot - her name was Eva. I still remember her so clearly) said hi, how are you, I couldn't even reply back. Once of the key points was that as soon as the lesson started, I realized everyone was also anxious because no one knew how to dance. Also, the instructor was very sympathetic, the music was good, they made us laugh and I felt a lot more comfortable.

After that I went to my first salsa party. You once again may not believe this, but before this night, I had never been to a club before in my life. A couple of bars, yes, but never a club or a dance party before in my life. I was so fucking tensed that the whole night, I did not dance with a girl. Towards the end of the night, I danced with a girl a bit and this was my first dance night. I can go on and on with my stories but the point I want to make is, I have been there. I understand. And although I don't want to make it into a who-came-from-a-more-fucked-up-background-contest, but trust me when I say this, very few guys will come from a more fucked up place than I did.

Anyway, looking back, had I got into PUA at this stage, dude, honestly, I don't know how badly would I have got fucked up. The problems for me, or for anyone in a similar position, is not chicks related! It is about general anxiety. Guys like this (which includes me) have just not been social enough, outgoing enough, never had enough regular cool outgoing friends, we never learned to dress properly, never learned to just get comfortable around women or even other random guys for that matter, never went out with enough female friends, never talked to enough of them as regular people etc.

Overcoming all of this itself is an achievement and which is what you should be focused on. Just start going out a bit. Talk to a few people. Get enrolled in some hobbies. Start going a bit, even if it is alone. Make a few friends etc. Once you can do this at least to some extent, yes, you will miss lots and lots of opportunities with women along the way, then start worrying about focusing on seriously dating women.

This is exactly what Sleazy calls as foundations. Once you can do this, then slowly you will start noticing that some women are being a little too friendly, or are sitting in a corner and talking to you for half hour at a dance party, or are smiling too much and standing too close while talking to you, or keep giving you suggestive eye contact etc. It will happen. No, I am not special that it happens to me.

I know I used to think at one point that there is no way chicks will ever like me for who I am. Of course, I need to do a lot of random shit because otherwise, clearly, I am very unattractive. I remember being completely honest with myself once that if I had a naked girl on my couch, I still probably wouldn't know what to do.

People like this have other issues. First get your foundations sorted. Then worry about your dating life. After that once you have been a couple dozen dates, advice like do warm approaches to get chicks, and which are warm signals will start being obvious to you as well.


  1. Inspirational. "you will start noticing that some women are being a little too friendly, or are sitting in a corner and talking to you for half hour at a dance party, or are smiling too much and standing too close while talking to you, or keep giving you suggestive eye contact etc."

    I am very shy yet I noticed this happening in high school, but since the level of hotness of the girls showing interest compared to my level of hotness seemed a big gap I just brushed them off as teasing/cruel.

    1. Yeah man, happens. I too have lost count of how many opportunities I have lost. These days, I make sure to attempt to take things forward, even if it is done in a completely stupid way. I ask them out, physically escalate and just generally err on the side of being too aggressive than being too passive. This way when I miss out on a girl, I don't wonder what if, but more like I was mis-calibrated or that was inappropriate in that setting. Amazingly though, a lot of the times I am still left feeling that I should have been more aggressive :)

  2. As a first step towards overcoming social/general anxiety, every man should consider quitting porn/masturbation/orgasms for at least 90 days. There is a ton of neuro-science to back this up. Check out for more info. Also, it is worth your time to look into your phisiology and learn how diet can affect mood and cognitive ability. I recommend

    1. I wouldn't necessarily say quitting masturbation/porn should be the first step. There is also plenty of research which shows that if you don't masturbate/get some kind of a sexual release for a long time, your testosterone levels go down significantly. But yeah, for people who are addicted to porn/masturbation or whatever, I can imagine it being useful.

      Diet, health, exercise is certainly very important. Has a huge effect on every area of your life.

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